My mother lives in Spring, TX, and for those of you who don’t know, Houston and the surrounding areas are the Bible Chastity Belt.  As the only Jewish woman in a sea of Evangelical Christianity, she often gets email forwards about the love of Jesus, the love Jesus has for George Bush, and the love Evangelical Christians have for irrationality.  {I mean, really, if you believe in a trinity and can manage to call it monotheism … you’ll believe anything!}

Below, I have pasted one of these lovely email forwards to illustrate what we, in the Rational Revolution, are up against.  Read at your own risk (and blood pressure levels …).  I would also like to note that by referring to Evangelicals, I in no way mean to imply moderate, tolerant Christians – otherwise known as REAL Christians. 

My notes are in bold.

Was Pres Bush Wrong??? 

Read all of this one, it is interesting!!  Read down to the very bottom highlighted in green, IT’LL GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS!!!  You don’t want to miss this!  VERY INTERESTING-

The set up here is quite interesting, though it is complete and utter bullshit.  What the author would like to convey is Biblical evidence that the War in Iraq was somehow mandated in the Bible.  So, let’s give the author the benefit of the doubt and assume that he/she knew that Iraq was established in 1932 after WWI.  I have never found any reference to trench warfare in the Torah or the King James Bible, but I digress …

1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq

We have no idea where the Garden of Eden was, and if we did, we would have already destroyed its natural resources for oil or other exploitative resources. 
2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!

This is absolutely true as long as you discount the entire continent of Africa, and honestly, we seem to do that at present so often, why not direct our apathy to the cradle of civilization as well?
3. Noah built the ark in Iraq

I will give $100 to anyone who can site a reference in the Bible of a geographical location directly connected to Noah.  That’s $100, some of which might be Monopoly money.
4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq

See my challenge above.  If you’re an Evangelical Christian, however, you probably don’t use reference material much, so never mind.
5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq !

This was Abraham’s ancestral home, but he is linked to Haran in the Torah.  However, I completely understand why Evangelical Christians believe this without question.  After all, George Bush was born in Connecticut (making him a Yankee), but everyone believes he’s a Texan.  Go figure …
6. Isaac’s wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq !

I’ll give this one to them as I am fair and balanced (which really means that I’m completely biased, but come on now …)
7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq

Um, no … Aram would probably have been in Turkey/Northern Syria, so that geography is way off.  Of course, Saudi Arabian men attacked us on 9/11 guided out of Afghanistan which caused a pre-emptive war in Iraq, proving once and for all that follies in geographical attacks do have a Biblical concordance.

8. Jonah preached in Nineveh – which is in Iraq

Actually, Nineveh was Turkey/Iraq … in the general area …
9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel.

Again … in the general area, like IN THE MIDDLE EAST!
10. Amos cried out in Iraq !

No, he did this in Israel, and he never traveled outside of Israel/Judah.  It sure would help if Evangelical Christians actually read the Bible …
11 Babylon , which is in Iraq , destroyed Jerusalem

This is a bit misleading (big surprise!) since equating Babylon with a country younger than Paul Newman is a bit dubious.
12. Daniel was in the lion’s den in Iraq !

Again, dubious …
13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the Fiery Furnace!)

Last time I checked, Jesus was nowhere to be found in the “Old” Testament.  That’s the whole reason they wrote a ”New” one …
14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the “writing on the wall” in Iraq.

Babylon = present day Iraq :: Jesus = Republican 
15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq.

See above …

16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq ….

See above …

17. The wise men were from Iraq …

No, they were from the East which even in Biblical times, encompasses a pretty big area.  However, that does go with the modern day thinking that the entire Middle East is just one, big Arab country.
18. Peter preached in Iraq ..

Except that he’s never mentioned to be anywhere near there …
19. The “Empire of Man” described in Revelation is called Babylon , which was a city in
Iraq! And you have probably seen this one: Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible.

But do you know which nation is second?  It is Iraq !

This really is gonna piss off Egypt …

However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible.  The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar , and Mesopotamia … The word Mesopotamia
means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris And Euphrates Rivers ..

The name Iraq , means country with deep roots.  Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.  No other nation, except Israel , has more history and prophecy associated with it than Iraq.

Egypt:  Look over here!  Over here … You know the Pyramids and Moses?!?  What the hell do we have to do to get some recognition around here?!?!?

And also, this is something to think about: Since America is typically represented by an
eagle.  Saddam and Bin Laddin should have read up on their Muslim passages …
The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible):

Koran (9:11) – For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome
Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while
some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; And there was peace.

(Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?!

Now this is the pinnacle of bullshit right here.  First, we are to imagine that bald eagles were seen in the Middle East.  Second, we have to imagine that an entire population of Evangelical Christians can’t summon enough rational thought to plug in www.snopes.com into their web browser, or at least Google the Koran. 

For those of you held in utter suspense, here it is folks, Chapter 9, Verse 11 of the Koran:

But if they repent and keep up prayer and pay the poor-rate, they are your brethren in faith; and We make the communications clear for a people who know.

It is difficult enough that people would use their own faith to propel their own prejudices and political views.  You would think if Iraq was so revered as a Biblical city, our country would have shown far more respect for the museums and historical landmarks within it.  Wasn’t it Rummy who said, when asked about the pillaging of the museums: “How many vases could there possibly be in Iraq?” 

It is far worse that so many will fall for it.  The correct information is easily accessible, and the argument is transparent in its irrationality. 

So I invite you, in this season of charity, to give the gift of Rational Thought to your fellow Evangelical Christians.  They will hate you for it and possibly end any sort of communication with you … but that’s only one of the perks.

Hello my little amigos and amigas!  What can I say to you?  I’m tan; I’m rested; I’m back from my lovely timeshare in Baghdad, Iraq.  All the new bourgeois are getting condos there – CondiGates, Rums-A-Gonzo, McDickBush.  Oh, how lovely it was! 

I believe my good friend McCain did a disservice in describing Iraq as “safe”.  Hell, it’s Disneyland with Iraqis!  Candide would’ve left Shrangrila in a New York minute for the beauty, the flare, the character, the – shall I say? – the je ne sais quio that ravishes my spirit. 

In Baghdad, the streets are lined with old dinar.  Farts smell like petunias, and you don’t have to buy anything, for merchants share their goods for free.  And mind you, those are not car bombings that the liberal media show you – why no!  Those are fire works that celebrate Iraq’s independence everyday!  I even got some freedom shrapnel lodged in my leg as a souvenir!! 

Those angry “insurgents” the liberal media show you, screaming angrily and waiving guns well, those are tour guides saying, “Come to Iraq, Americans!  Come, and I’ll show you the best Iraq has to offer!!” 

You know, I spent 6 days at a spa in Iraq.  Their detox facials comprise of hooding you in a black cloth, driving you around and then holding you in a small room for days.  By the time I finished, my complexion was clear and sweat out about 7 pounds!!!

How joyous it was being in Iraq as an American!  I miss it, dear readers.  I miss it.  Maybe I’ll invite my good friend, John McCain, to join me next time.  He can sleep on my couch, and since the streets are so safe for us Americans, I won’t even rent a car. 

I’m not flying this week with my friend, George, to South America.  Although I really wanted to, I just couldn’t peel myself away from the Libby coverage, and I’m not allowed to say the L-Word in front of the President.  Plus, Rove’s a bit mad at me because I stenciled the image of Che Guevara on all his t-shirts. 

From Air Force One, George did call me to check for the recipe of an Irish Car Bomb, and I took the opportunity to have a chat with my buddy.

Boo:  How’s it going, George?

George:  I can’t comment on an on-going investigation, Boo.

Boo:  Yes, sir.  I understand, Mr. President.  So …

Uncomfortable silence.  In the background, I could hear a distinct slurping noise.

Boo:  What is that?

George:  What?

Boo:  That noise in the background?

George:  Oh …

He giggles a bit.

George:  That’s me.  My gums hurt ‘cuz I keep pressin’ on ‘em.

Boo:  Why are you pressing on them if they hurt?

George:  ‘Cuz it hurts but it feels good, ya know?

I didn’t really, but it didn’t stop me from enthusiastically concurring.

Boo:  So, what are you reading now?

George:  The Secret.

Boo:  Really?  You read it?

George:  I watched the Oprah show.  Look, I’m really into positive thinkin’.  Positive attracts positive.  It’s a law of nature.  Plus, I can blame other people’s negative thoughts for my Presidency. 

Boo:  Actually, opposites attract.

George:  Ah, Boo, I’m married.

Boo:  That’s not what … never mind.  But George, don’t you think it will take more than good thoughts to fix Iraq, terrorism, the threat of nuclear proliferation, poverty, and healthcare?

George:  You’re gittin’ me down.  Ya see, it’s you people who keep focusing on the negative.  Like Americans.  Ya’ll git me down.

Boo:  Sorry.

George:  It’s OK.  But see there?

Boo:  What?

George:  Who says I don’t listen to the people?

Hi.  My name is Bob.  Just Bob.  I live in Building 18, part of Walter Reed Hospital.  I am writing on behalf of my fellow Blattodea regarding the conditions we live in.  I mean, there’s wounded Iraq War soldiers here.  Brave men and women who’ve served in war don’t make really good bed mates. 

What kind of conditions are these to raise my children??  I’m a single father trying my best with my kids.  Their mother pictured here was the victim of a prosthetic limb …

   I can’t even bare to look at it! 

Look, we need filth here in Building 18!  The 109th Congress funded the VA and hospitals like this by merely attaching some measly supplementals.  Supporting our troops simply meant saying, “I support our troops” or wearing that yellow ribbon thing.  But they didn’t actually SUPPORT THE TROOPS for crying out loud! 

Now Dana Priest from the Washington Post sticks her nose where it stinks to high heaven and exposes the cockroach mouse feces paradise that is Building 18!  Sister, ain’t you got jihadists to worry about somewhere else? 

Claire McCaskill and Barack Obama are trying to write a bill to improve conditions here.  Improve???  For whom?  Not for cockroaches, by G-d! 

I tell you … it’s hard out here for a roach.  We’re gonna have to relocate.  I hear Senator Lott’s office might be work out …

I want everyone to take a break from their day today and say a small prayer for my friend, Karl Rove.  I know, I know … he’s not everyone’s favorite evil genius, but he is a human being (sort of) who is under a lot of stress lately. 

You see, Karl needs to twist political rhetoric into befuddled logic for the American people in order to justify another bullshit war.  This is a huge task in and of itself.  The problem is, the American people aren’t so gullible anymore.  We know – for the most part – the fear tactics and problematic intelligence used the first time.  What’s that saying?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qDuG0ZYD5I]

Oh yeah … something like that.

So on the phone today with Karl, he was a bit upset.  Here’s just a tidbit of the conversation:

Karl:  I feel so bad … I just want someone to bring me warm milk and rub my tummy!

Boo:  What’s wrong, babe?

Karl:  I’ve lost it, Boo.  I’ve lost the touch.

Boo:  Don’t say that.  You can bullshit me with illogical rhetoric anyday!

Karl:  Really?

Boo:  Yeah.

I heard Karl blow his nose; it sounded like a freakin’ fog horn.

Karl:  You’re just sayin’ that.

Boo:  No, I’m not.  I totally buy all the bullshit about Iran.  I could totally blow the hell out of those people!

Karl:  Really?  I mean, like, the QUD’s force argument and all?

Boo:  Totally.

Karl:  What was your favorite part?  About my bullshit, I mean.

I had to take a moment to think about it.  There is just so much Rovian bullshit these days.

Boo:  Well, I like how you’re focusing on Iran and not, say, Saudi Arabia.  After all, Saudi Arabia is funding the Sunni militias who are responsible for 92% of the overall casualties and injuries to U.S. forces, but you’re focusing on Iran. 

Karl:  The Saudis own 18% of the country.  We have to divert attention.

Boo:  And it’s a brilliant scheme -

Karl:  Say that again.

Boo:  What?

Karl:  Brilliant scheme.

Boo:  Brilliant scheme.

Karl muttered what I think was a “oh yeah baby”, but I let it go.  Sometimes Karl can be creepy.  Friendly, but creepy.  Of course, you haven’t rubbed his tummy either, but I digress.

Boo:  Want to know my favorite part?

Karl:  YEAH!

I tried to do my best George Bush impression; I fear it’s really just a Ross Perot on cough medicine.

Boo:  “I don’t know what’s worse.  That the Iranian government knew about the QUDs force, or that it didn’t know about it.”

Karl started his belly laugh that can literally make the ground shake.  He once laughed so hard that he fell back in his chair.  I think that was over the whole WMD thing.  Who knows … there are just so many to count at this point.  But no one can make Karl Rove laugh like Karl Rove.  Not even Rummy.

Boo:  I mean, the argument clearly makes no sense whatsoever.  And I heard Tony repeat it at the White House Press Briefing.  Clearly, if the Iranian government knows about it, that is much worse because that is a clear indication of military interference by a country with forces greater than Iraq’s.  And if the Iranian government doesn’t know, that’s just another opening for possible diplomatic possibilities -

Karl:  Diplomacy is for pussies!

Boo:  Even though it works!

Karl:  Yeah!!!

Boo:  But if you just keep repeating -

Karl:  The country’ll be believing!

He loved that phrase.  Karl knows that if you repeat something enough, and show angry Muslims in the process, what you repeat will become truth.

Boo:  But do you ever feel bad, Karl?

Karl:  Bad about what?

Boo:  About the intellectual dishonesty?  About the bullshit you’re feeding to the American people? 

To his credit, Karl thought about this for a second.  Then I heard it.

The belly laugh … I guess that’s my answer.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TLo0creySYE]

Interesting what happens when Steny Hoyer tries to set the record straight.  Rep. Heather Wilson (R – NM) tried to weasle a way to suggest that the resolution in front of the House did not support future troops being deployed to Iraq.  Rep. Hoyer comes to the floor to keep the debate honest and on target.  Then out of the nowhere, and presumably in a haze of self delusion, Rep. Duncan Hunter tries to assert that the claim that our troops were ill-equipped in the field is equally dishonest because since 1776, body armor is a fairly new invention.

This is how you know your side is losing the debate: when you can’t debate the subject matter at hand, you have to utilize a “bait and switch” tactic.  Too bad that Duncan Hunter would be thrown off his high school debate team for trying to employ this tactic so aggregiously. 

Are we out of Iraq yet??

Through one of my numerous, anonymous and possibly imaginary sources, I have learned that Iran is, in fact, going to send one of their top militias into the throngs of Baghdad. 

Mohammad Ali Hosseini, the Iranian Foreign Ministry Spokesman, noted earlier today that Iran is fully aware, from numerous messages stemming from the United States, that America hates gays.  Especially in the military. 

America hates the gay.  Even if they can fight.  Even if they are smart.  Even if they can sharp-shoot.  So we are prepared – if need be – to take advantage of that hatred.  Because we don’t like the gay much either, but hey … we’re not, like, total idiots. 

When pressed further about it, he demured, but let there be no question, according to my unchecked source, Iran is prepared to send in their QUD Lesbian Task Force. 

 This is a startling development in regards to the war in Iraq because heretofore, no high ranking official in the Iranian government has openly admitted to assisting any Shia militias in Iraq. 

We are not assisting any Shia militias in Iraq.  No, I’m not winking.  It’s a twitch for all of those restless nights thinking about our QUD Lesbian Task Force.  They really throw themselves head first into combat.  They could really lick anyone on the battlefield.  But we do have a vested interest in our neighboring country.  I must tell you though, I do feel very emboldened by all those Democrats who are supporting that non-binding resolution.  I think my penis has grown. 

Unnamed, unofficial, informal and dubious officials have recently said that Muqtada Al-Sadr has fled Iraq to go to Iran.  Whether Al-Sadr fled, or just simply traveled, is up for debate; although unofficials in the Pentagon have inferred through unreliable and anonymous sources that he fled to escape the Baghdad Security Forces and upcoming American Forces escalation. 

None of this has yet to substantiated, but Curveball is working on it.

Al-Sadr, pictured here doing his best Wolf Man impression, has sent word through a friend of a friend who is a second cousin once removed on his mother’s side, that he did not flee, but is undergoing a makeover and a career change. 

Muqtada Al-Sadr wants to act.

I have been inspired by Osama Bin Laden.  His past cave work, you know, the stuff from early in the millennium, really inspired me.  His performance is so subtle, yet complex.  And the camera work is so nuanced but straightforward at the same time.  I also enjoy Bollywood movies.  Oh and, death to America.

It just shows ladies and gentlemen, it’s never too late to follow your dream.