Deep within the woods of Bohemian Grove, Darth Cheney and his minion of Darkness summon the ghost of Ronald Reagan for all Republican candidates to worship. 

But these evil doers will not go unnoticed by THE SUPERCATS!  In their control room within the Halls of Cuteness, Professor Schmuel Birnbaum, Colonel Moishe Levinson, and Madam Chana “Swooshy” Schwartz spy the resurrection …

Colonel Moishe:  We must take action, my fellow Supercats!  We cannot continue to allow Republicans to worship at the alter of this man!

Professor Schmuel:  That’s right!  After all, this is a President who called the Voting Rights act “humiliating to the South!”  What kind of person builds a legacy on race-baiting?

Madam Chana:  Republicans do!  And that’s why we must stop them at their next debate!!

Traveling in disguise to the next Republican Debate, the Supercats make their move …

Just as the candidates summon the ghost of Ronald Reagan by forgetting not only the embarrassing incident at Bitburg, but also by turning their backs on black voters, Professor Schmuel jumps to action by raining golden showers on their parade!

Professor Schmuel:  Take that, you back door racists!!!

Then the entire team leaps to his side …

Colonel Moishe:  And this is for Neshoba!  Take that!

Professor Schuel:  Exorcize the demon, Madam! 

Madam Chana:  Right on, Professor!

Madam Chana uses her powers of cuteness to <zap!> the ghost of Ronald Reagan away from the current dialogue, paralyzing the Republican Candidates when they try to worship at the alter of Reagan. 

Madam Chana:  Take that, Reagan!  I’m diminishing your ghost into the Constitution! 

Professor Schmuel:  Now every time the Republicans want to revere Reagan, they’ll be forced to refer to the Constitution!  HAHAHAHA!!!!

Colonel Moishe:  Now that’s a document they’re not used to referring to!

AND THE SUPERCATS HAVE ONCE AGAIN SAVED THE DAY!

This installment of Supercats is dedicated to the memory of Punkin, one of the original Supercats.  She will be missed~

On 15 November, the Democratic candidates debated each other in Las Vegas.  One issue in particular caught my attention, and that was the question posed by Wolf Blitzer when he asked, “When they clash, what is more important, human rights or national security?”  The framing of this question interests me – are these mutually exclusive goals in the 21st century?  And who set the framework for this type of conjecture? 

I think the answer to the latter is obvious as we have lived through a Presidency that would propose and carry out to limit the freedoms of its own citizens in order to provide – at least on the surface – a sense of security.  From the suspension of habeas corpus to the illegal spying of American citizens to soft media control, BushCo’s answer to the terrorist question is to become like them in order to fight them. 

Of course, the irrationality of our diminished freedoms at home stems from the fact that the great call of duty all neoconservatives assume upon their shoulders is the spread of democracy abroad.  As Bill Maher, one of the patron saints of this blog, observed:

[George Bush] is gonna spread freedom and democracy to the Iraqi people if he has to kill every last one of them to do it.

So we have the neocon’s answer to the question.  What about the Democratic candidates?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KnktoDh3oOA&feature=related]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TJMkNF0hzk&feature=related]

If you needed more proof that Republicans continue to the frame debate, you need only listen to Blitzer’s assertion that “occassionally they could clash”, but also to Clinton’s and Dodd’s answer. 

Only Bill Richardson and Barack Obama maintained that the concepts are not mutually exclusive.  More importantly, I would maintain that if you tend to the issues of human rights, not only on a moral basis, but on an economic, social and political basis, it will make the United States safer. 

Samantha Power, Obama’s Foreign Policy Advisor, in her book A Problem from Hell, asserted the following:

… security for the Americans at home and abroad is contingent on international stability, and there is perhaps no greater source of havoc than a group of well-armed extremists bent on wiping out a people on ethnic, national, or religious grounds.

… the sad record of the last century shows that the walls of the United States tries to build around genocidal socities almost inevitably shatter.  States that murder and torment their own citizens target citizens elsewhere. 

~ Excerpt, page 513

We need only look to the lessons of the past – the lessons of Hilter who persecuted his own people and then moved across Europe, Saddam Hussein who tried to wipe out the Kurds and then waged war on Kuwait, and Molosevic spread his war from Slovenia to Bosnia and Kosovo – to see that leaders who will squelch the rights of their own citizens don’t necessarily play well with others, much less respect our borders. 

After all, the well-documented humanitarian crisis that existed under the Taliban reached our shores on September the 11th.  And we can see regimes today, like the government of Omar al-Bashir in Sudan, who not only mimic the Taliban in their cruelty, but also in their disrespect for the borders of their neighbors. 

We cannot build a wall around America, but we can ensure that the grievences of citizens around the world are not played out upon our national stage.  This does not mean policing the world, but it does mean that America needs to operate globally at a diplomatic intensity where the Geneva Convention is of utmost importance.  We need a President who understands that if the people of the world have their basic human rights, there will be no need to threaten our security. 

Before tonight’s Democratic Debate in Los Vegas on CNN, I wanted to sit down with my good friend, Wolf Blitzer, to get the head’s up on the event.  What I discovered was shocking – a drinking game composed by my other good friends, Anderson Cooper and Larry King.  I swiped a copy of it and reproduced it below:

• Everytime Hillary Clinton uses the word “experience”, take a sip of beer while rolling your eyes.
• Everytime Mike Gravel goes on an insane rant about his fellow candidates, slip your grandmother’s panties on and take a shot of whiskey. 
• Everytime Dennis Kucinich makes way too much sense for a political candidate – much less a leprechan - eat a bowl of Lucky Charms poured in Jim Beam. 
• Everytime Joe Biden shows his pearly whites – which is actually two big porcelein bones wrapped around his jaw – brush your teeth with your favorite vodka.
• Everytime Barack Obama uses his refreshing good looks and swagger to look like more of a human than the Hillarybot, pour Kaluha in your partners mouth and make out through the commercial break.
• Everytime Wolf asks Hillary a question, and she responds, “That’s not the question we planted for you, asshole!” – water your Chia pet with Bicardi.
• Everytime Bill Richardson lists how much more experience he has than everyone else, exclaim, “yeah, but …” and take a shot of tequila.
• Everytime Chris Dodd … oh nevermind …
• Everytime Wolf Blitzer mistakenly refers to Barack Obama as Osama Bin Laden, howl at the moon and throw your TV out the window … after all, by this point, we’re drunk enough. 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsf0oaSdkyw]

Don’t you miss the simple days of Jeff Gannon asking softball questions like:

Why do Democrats hate our troops and this country so much? 

We on the Left condemned the practice because planting questions is for neo-cons – it is a veiled practice that calls into question not only the honesty, but the integrity of a politician positioning themselves in a Town Hall Meeting … It’s something a candidate or a President does when they don’t want to face the right of private citizens or journalists to ask valid questions.  And yet, the liberal blogs and commenters are condemning this as “distraction”. 

Why are we apologizing for her??? Why is it wrong when Bush does it, but not when Hillary does it? Arguing that Bush does it worse is no rational argument. It’s just apologist loser mentality.

Remember, for every planted question in a town hall meeting, there is a concerned citizen who won’t get to practice their right to question a future president.

That’s the complete antithesis of Democracy.

Are we so numb as citizens in a “free” country that this has become OK?  Have we been so abused by the current administration that we should take this type of behavior from someone who promises change?  Should we not demand more?  Should we not demand free and open dialogue to prevent another BushCo in the White House? 

I will not vote for Hillary.  She lost any chance of getting my vote when she cowardly voted for the Iraq War on a rushed National Intelligence Estimate transparent with holes and problems.  If you do not have the strength of character and reasoning to cast an unpopular – yet legitimate – vote against a bullshit war, why the hell do you think you have the consummate skills and strength to be President? 

We deserve more as citizens.  We deserve a free and open exchange of ideas from our candidates.  We deserve to question openly and deserve to be answered honestly. 

Hillary doesn’t want to do that. 

We deserve more than that.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orxz2mPfB4U]

Pat Robertson, sauntering up to the microphone like he’d just raced Jesus in the 40 meter dash, endorsed Rudy Giuliani on the credentials that all Giuliani supporters endorse him for: the photo-op. 

As pictured above, we see the two probable Presidential Candidates for the November 2008 election.  On the right, we see the poorly coiffed Hillary Clinton, sans any New York Fire or Police Department of New York paraphernalia, her plastic face reflecting the closest thing to concern it can muster after her advisers told her it would win votes.  Who the fuck does she think she is??? 

Ah, but there in the middle of it all (the picture, that is) stands a strong and proud Rudy.  Mask?  He don’t need no stinkin’ mask.  He’ll breathe the same fumes as the 9/11 Rescuers.  Why??  Well, because he’s rich and can afford health insurance but still!  And he’s got the FDNY hat, jacket, belt buckle, and limited-time-only insignia’ed tighty whities to remind him what’s important in the wake of the attacks – perception. 

I sat down with Pat and Rudy after the press conference to find out why Jesus feeds Pat so much bullshit. 

Boo:  Thanks for sitting down with me.

Pat:  Amen to that, sister.

Rudy:  That’s right.  9/11.

Boo:  What?

Rudy:  I end every sentence with 9/11 now to remind us of the threat we face. 

Boo:  How’s that working for you?

Rudy:  I’ll let you know November of 2008. 

Boo:  So, Pat, do you think the media will interpret this endorsement as desperate?  I mean, Rudy was one of the most liberal Republicans ever.

Pat:  Jesus communicated with me the importance of the puppet, er, I mean, pulpit the next President will have when facing Islamofascism.  Rudy is America’s Mayor.

Rudy:  And according to Matthew 9/11 …

Boo:  Wait, I’m gonna have to stop you there …

Before I knew it, Rudy waterboarded me.  I think that was the end of the interview, but damned if I didn’t confess to being in the New York mafia … 

Every once in a while, someone in the public eye spouts something so completely off base that it borders on the ridiculous.  I respectfully chronicle those vacations of mental pragmatism in a segment I like to call CHRONICLES OF PEOPLE MISSING THE POINT. 

So I had this nightmare recently (try 10 minutes ago) where I was sitting in a room filled with 5th graders in a media class taught by my friend, Chris Matthews.  I’m not sure if he too was in the 5th grade, but really, who can tell with those pinchable cheeks of his?  I was an adult sitting at what felt like a Fisher Price school set. 

Chris, wearing a crisply pressed academic robe, wrote ferociously on the chalkboard the following question:

Why has the level of discourse in the media sunk to such shocking levels [NOTE: Instead of a question mark, he drew a picture of a middle finger.]

Like the echoes of yester-year, my right arm flew up practically dislocating itself from my shoulder.  A 9 year old Larry King laughed at me until I wiggled from my desk and drop-kicked his back pack down the aisle.  His glasses fogged he wailed so much.

Chris didn’t call on me.  Bastard.  Why don’t teachers ever call on me?

Chris:  Rita?

Anderson:  I thought Rita Cosby was in the slow class!

Chris:  Mr. Cooper, your attitude better do a 360 turn-around, my friend.

Boo:  Then he’d be back where he started.

Chris:  Rita, do you have anything you’d like to contribute to the class?

Rita:  Larry Birkhead said Dannielynn has Anna’s eyes.

She pulled a nut from her cheek, sniffed it, then ate it.

Chris:  Anyone? … Fine.  Boo, why has -

Finally my moment had arrived!  I sat up as straight as I could in my midget desk.

Boo:  You see, Mr. Matthews -

Chris:  Is my father here? 

Chris darted out the door to look down the hallway.

Chris:  Shit!  My brick of hash -

Boo:  You are Mr. Matthews, retard.

He froze, trying to recover his cool with a grin.  It didn’t work.

Boo:  Can I continue?

Chris:  Go ahead.

Boo:  You see, unlike in the days of Edward R. Murrow, news divisions have to make money.  Since money comes from advertising dollars, ratings drive the content of newscasts instead of news.  So stations have to broadcast more and more bizarre things and bullshit news stories to drive ratings and keep the ad dollars flowing. 

Chris:  Really?

Boo:  Well, yeah … That and the fact that you continue to treat people like Ann Coulter like journalists.  Elizabeth Edwards asking Ann Coulter to refrain from personally insulting people to sell books is like asking Dick Cheney to read the Constitution!  She even admitted that insulting people and writing books are the same thing to her!!  She’s fucking Andy Kaufman in drag!!!

Keith:  Worst.  Person.  In the worrrrrrrrld!

Anderson:  She said fucking!

Rita:Where’s your sense of decency?

All:  Shut up, Rita!

Chris:  Folks, can we regroup here for a second?

Chris looked so mad his cheeks were the color of Rita Cosby’s hooker lipstick. 

Chris:  It’s just … It’s just that …

Boo:  What?

Chris:  She’s ratings gold!  Gold as her beautiful, blonde hair …

Boo:  There, there. 

Suddenly we were transported back to Chris’s high school room decorated wall-to-wall with pictures of Yoko Ono.

Boo:  Really?  Yoko Ono?

Chris:  SHE HAS A BEAUTIFUL MOUTH! 

I could tell right away that between me and a two-dimensional Yoko, not many girls had set foot in this room.  My pity kicked in, and I gave Chris a little hug.  He then completely ruined the moment by trying to feel me up. 

Such as it is with my friends in the media – they paint the target and miss the point.

Congratulations.  Your certificate is in the mail. 

When I heard my friend, John McCain, say this:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAzBxFaio1I]

I thought to myself, since when were retarded assholes allowed to run for President?  Of course, it didn’t take me long to answer that one for myself. 

For this Friday’s video stroll, I would like to share this video that I saw about Iran.  Thank you to To Hell With Culture for posting this. 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEHW7r3HsKI&mode=related&search=]

As Mitt Romney, Rudy Giuliani and John McCain will tell you, winning the “Social Conservative” voters [read: Christian Far Right] ain’t so easy.  Always the charity maven, I recently slipped the following manuel from my good friend, Karl Rove’s, drawer.  Please feel free to disperse it to your good friends who happen to be running for the Republican candidacy.

NEVER SUPPORT THE GAYS

The spectrum here ranges from Liberace to Ellen Degeneres to the kinder, gentler Ryan Seacrest.  If it seems gay, it is. 

If the slightest amount of gayness can be discerned, you should shun it.  The purple teletubbie is as likely to burn in Hell as Mark Foley. 

You don’t want to go so far as to admit, outloud, that G-d hates fags.  He does, but you keep that to yourself – after all, you still want a photo-op with Mary Cheney. 

As for civil rights, if G-d wanted homo’s to have civil rights, He would have made them heterosexual.   

PRO-LIFE IS MORE THAN A STANCE; IT IS A DOGMA

Abortion is more important than security, the economy, and your kids.  In fact, giving birth to children is more important than educating them (unless you’re teaching them to be anti-gay Christian Crusaders).

Abortion is so important that if given a choice between a moderate, pro-choice Republican and the pro-life retard from Life Goes On … well, you do the math. 

ENCOURAGE PRAYER IN SCHOOL.  CHRISTIAN PRAYER.  TO JESUS.  BY NAME.

Why pray if you’re not praying to Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior???

If Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and other heathens can’t pray correctly, they can go back to wherever they came from and pray to Satan from there.  It is not offensive to non-Christians to pray to Christ if it will do them some good.  Plus, praying keeps things in perspective, especially before biology class when students open up to the Book of Genesis to learn about creation.  

BE THE RIGHT KIND OF CHRISTIAN

 Examples of acceptable Christians:  Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, George W. Bush, Jesus Christ [the one who wants you to be rich], Kirk Cameron, and the Power Team. 

Although Mormons believe in Jesus as the Son of G-d, they also wear magic underwear and baptize the dead.  It’s weird – weirder than virgin birth and caring for the welfare of poor people.  Jehovah’s Witnesses, we got our eye on you, too.

Our Christian representatives need to be BORN AGAIN.  We need to approve the final draft.  Have teeth that shine like the pearly gates.  Have hair that never moves.  And never, ever look bored in church. 

IF YOUR NEIGHBOR DOESN’T LOOK LIKE YOU, YOU DON’T HAVE TO LOVE HIM

That’s why war is so convenient.  If Jesus wanted us to love everyone, why would he have made the Military Industrial Complex??? 

FEELINGS ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN FACTS

Nowhere in the Bible does it say anything about facts; therefore, they don’t really exist – because if the Bible does not explicitly spell it out, then it doesn’t matter.

Ergo …

The war in Iraq is an integral part on the war on terror. 

The world is 6000 years old.

George Bush talks to G-d … and G-d talks back.

There’s a war on Christmas.

Bill O’Reilly has a ”no spin zone”.

Secular humanists have horns like the Jews. 

THE ANTI-CHRIST WILL APPEAR IN A WHITE LAB COAT

It doesn’t matter if stem cell research will save lives.  Remember, we don’t care what happens after birth, so why would we care about curing disease??

Embryos from infertility clinics will just be destroyed anyway, so at least they can go to heaven.  If those embryos are put to good use to save lives, how will they ever be saved by Jesus?  As far as we know, the Holy Ghost doesn’t exist in a petri dish.   

SCAN THE BIBLE EVERYDAY

Don’t read the Bible … then you might rethink the above claims.  You just want the basic idea, and that’s that the world is small, flat, and should be abortion and gay free. 

But again … this is only for the Christian Right voters.  Those who follow James Dobson and Jerry Falwell. 

If you want real Christians, you might want to … well, be a real Christian (or just a good human being).