My mother lives in Spring, TX, and for those of you who don’t know, Houston and the surrounding areas are the Bible Chastity Belt.  As the only Jewish woman in a sea of Evangelical Christianity, she often gets email forwards about the love of Jesus, the love Jesus has for George Bush, and the love Evangelical Christians have for irrationality.  {I mean, really, if you believe in a trinity and can manage to call it monotheism … you’ll believe anything!}

Below, I have pasted one of these lovely email forwards to illustrate what we, in the Rational Revolution, are up against.  Read at your own risk (and blood pressure levels …).  I would also like to note that by referring to Evangelicals, I in no way mean to imply moderate, tolerant Christians – otherwise known as REAL Christians. 

My notes are in bold.

Was Pres Bush Wrong??? 

Read all of this one, it is interesting!!  Read down to the very bottom highlighted in green, IT’LL GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS!!!  You don’t want to miss this!  VERY INTERESTING-

The set up here is quite interesting, though it is complete and utter bullshit.  What the author would like to convey is Biblical evidence that the War in Iraq was somehow mandated in the Bible.  So, let’s give the author the benefit of the doubt and assume that he/she knew that Iraq was established in 1932 after WWI.  I have never found any reference to trench warfare in the Torah or the King James Bible, but I digress …

1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq

We have no idea where the Garden of Eden was, and if we did, we would have already destroyed its natural resources for oil or other exploitative resources. 
2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!

This is absolutely true as long as you discount the entire continent of Africa, and honestly, we seem to do that at present so often, why not direct our apathy to the cradle of civilization as well?
3. Noah built the ark in Iraq

I will give $100 to anyone who can site a reference in the Bible of a geographical location directly connected to Noah.  That’s $100, some of which might be Monopoly money.
4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq

See my challenge above.  If you’re an Evangelical Christian, however, you probably don’t use reference material much, so never mind.
5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq !

This was Abraham’s ancestral home, but he is linked to Haran in the Torah.  However, I completely understand why Evangelical Christians believe this without question.  After all, George Bush was born in Connecticut (making him a Yankee), but everyone believes he’s a Texan.  Go figure …
6. Isaac’s wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq !

I’ll give this one to them as I am fair and balanced (which really means that I’m completely biased, but come on now …)
7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq

Um, no … Aram would probably have been in Turkey/Northern Syria, so that geography is way off.  Of course, Saudi Arabian men attacked us on 9/11 guided out of Afghanistan which caused a pre-emptive war in Iraq, proving once and for all that follies in geographical attacks do have a Biblical concordance.

8. Jonah preached in Nineveh – which is in Iraq

Actually, Nineveh was Turkey/Iraq … in the general area …
9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel.

Again … in the general area, like IN THE MIDDLE EAST!
10. Amos cried out in Iraq !

No, he did this in Israel, and he never traveled outside of Israel/Judah.  It sure would help if Evangelical Christians actually read the Bible …
11 Babylon , which is in Iraq , destroyed Jerusalem

This is a bit misleading (big surprise!) since equating Babylon with a country younger than Paul Newman is a bit dubious.
12. Daniel was in the lion’s den in Iraq !

Again, dubious …
13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the Fiery Furnace!)

Last time I checked, Jesus was nowhere to be found in the “Old” Testament.  That’s the whole reason they wrote a ”New” one …
14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the “writing on the wall” in Iraq.

Babylon = present day Iraq :: Jesus = Republican 
15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq.

See above …

16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq ….

See above …

17. The wise men were from Iraq …

No, they were from the East which even in Biblical times, encompasses a pretty big area.  However, that does go with the modern day thinking that the entire Middle East is just one, big Arab country.
18. Peter preached in Iraq ..

Except that he’s never mentioned to be anywhere near there …
19. The “Empire of Man” described in Revelation is called Babylon , which was a city in
Iraq! And you have probably seen this one: Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible.

But do you know which nation is second?  It is Iraq !

This really is gonna piss off Egypt …

However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible.  The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar , and Mesopotamia … The word Mesopotamia
means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris And Euphrates Rivers ..

The name Iraq , means country with deep roots.  Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.  No other nation, except Israel , has more history and prophecy associated with it than Iraq.

Egypt:  Look over here!  Over here … You know the Pyramids and Moses?!?  What the hell do we have to do to get some recognition around here?!?!?

And also, this is something to think about: Since America is typically represented by an
eagle.  Saddam and Bin Laddin should have read up on their Muslim passages …
The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible):

Koran (9:11) – For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome
Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while
some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; And there was peace.

(Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?!

Now this is the pinnacle of bullshit right here.  First, we are to imagine that bald eagles were seen in the Middle East.  Second, we have to imagine that an entire population of Evangelical Christians can’t summon enough rational thought to plug in www.snopes.com into their web browser, or at least Google the Koran. 

For those of you held in utter suspense, here it is folks, Chapter 9, Verse 11 of the Koran:

But if they repent and keep up prayer and pay the poor-rate, they are your brethren in faith; and We make the communications clear for a people who know.

It is difficult enough that people would use their own faith to propel their own prejudices and political views.  You would think if Iraq was so revered as a Biblical city, our country would have shown far more respect for the museums and historical landmarks within it.  Wasn’t it Rummy who said, when asked about the pillaging of the museums: “How many vases could there possibly be in Iraq?” 

It is far worse that so many will fall for it.  The correct information is easily accessible, and the argument is transparent in its irrationality. 

So I invite you, in this season of charity, to give the gift of Rational Thought to your fellow Evangelical Christians.  They will hate you for it and possibly end any sort of communication with you … but that’s only one of the perks.

My good friend, Scott McClellan, shown at left demonstrating the size of Karl Rove’s breasts for the White House Press Corps (ok, just Jeff Gannon), recently dropped a literary bomb on Plame Gate:

“I stood at the White House briefing room podium in front of the glare of the klieg lights for the better part of two weeks and publicly exonerated two of the senior most aides in the White House: Karl Rove and Scooter Libby.  There was one problem. It was not true.

[I] unknowingly passed along false information. And five of the highest-ranking officials in the administration were involved in my doing so: Rove, Libby, the vice president, the president’s chief of staff, and the president himself.”

Since the news errupted Tuesday, Scott has not granted any interviews to the press; however, I did receive an email from him yesterday.  I have printed it below as I’m sure he won’t mind dealing with the leak …

‘Sup Boo,

Dude … what up?  Did you see that release about the boys club?  I can totally see that Dick’s face when they read it … and Cheney’s too … LOL!  I’m so freakin tired of being the butt of everyone’s jokes around there.  I’m Scott mother fuckin’ McClellan mother fuckers!  And they can’t mess with this Irish boy any longer!!!

No more being the taste tester for Dick’s food.  No more signs taped to my back that read “dough-boy”.  No more high-5’s that leave me hangin’.  Fuck dat noise, girl!  I’m gonna be heard like Paul Revere! 

And ya know what else?  That Georgie Porgie never invited me to the ranch after Tony came on board.  He stood on TV and said we’d be like, rockin on porch swings and shit.  HE LIED TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE ABOUT IT!  What the fuck is that all about?!?!?!  How can you lie about something like that???  I called him and he was like, “Uh, Scott … I gotta see about blah blah blah” and then I totally heard Tony Snow with his Ken Doll big fat head laughing in the background. 

And don’t even get me started on Dana Perino.  That twat wouldn’t know how to lie believably at the Daily Press Briefing if her hair dye depended on it! 

So now the bombs are coming girl.  Maybe if they’d been a little nicer, I woulda lied for them a little longer, but no!  And yeah, I coulda done the right thing while I was in the administration, but dang!  I thought they were my friends.  Like a family, ya know!  Nobody messes with Scott MOTHER FUCKIN’ MCCLELLAN! 

Peace out.

Scott M.

P.S:  Am I invited to Thanksgiving or what??

At the top of Ice Station’s blog is the following quote:

The 2000’s are insane.  George Orwell’s dystopia has come to life.  While the apocalyptic battle between evil and stupidity rages, I will ride it out here in Antarctica, at my own fortress of solitude.

Nice … hopefully he has bunk beds for all of us before Dick issues martial law. 

Be sure to check out his top story today: Dick Cheney Starts His Own Branch of Government. 

High five … don’t leave me hangin’ …

So, as most of you know, Dick (tee hee hee) and I are on some shaky ground of late.  If he just wasn’t so … so WRONG ABOUT EVERYTHING I think I could get over his other personality quips, like his constant case of the whistling booger and his propensity for being a close talker.  To be fair, Dick (giggle giggle giggle) doesn’t believe he’s wrong about anything.  He thinks that he knows what others do not – namely that facts are pesky, and one shouldn’t concern one’s self with them. 

Even though we have our ups and downs, Dick (I’ll resist) still invited me with him on his recent trip to Afghanistan, a gracious gesture that practically moved me to tears since the last invitation I received from Dick was to kiss his “wrinkled ass”. 

I felt like such an honored observer, watching as our Vice President belittled statesmen from other countries in a language they barely understood.  Although, President Karzai, truth be told, can say “Oil is the fruit of the gods and my pipelineis their tree” in at least 5 languages … that’s what you get when you work for the benevolent good that is UNOCAL. 

Anyway, you might have read about the suicide bomber at Bagram Airspace who killed 14 people.  It was such a tragedy, to say the least, but I must admit that when we heard the resounding boom, Hamid and I almost lost our shit as Dick held his stomach and apologetically stated, “Oh … excuse me”. 

The Taliban immediately took credit for the bombing, deeming it a success, proving once more that it’s not only the Bush Administration that paints failed missions with a rosy brush. 

I really wanted to get out of there; we were safe for the time being in the bomb shelter, but all I could keep thinking about was my husband’s face – how all I wanted to do was see him again and hug him, and that 14 people would never be able to hug their spouses or mothers or brothers ever again. 

One of the guards asked me if I was ok.  In my anxious state, all that I could mutter was, “Let’s make like the British and head out!!!”

Dick never thinks I’m funny.  He thinks Rove is a fucking riot.  Rove, who’s most recent contribution to humor was:  What’s with this Obama guy?  I guess once you go black, you never go back, wouldn’t know humor if it kicked him in the balls … and humor tries to kick Rove in the balls every freakin’ day!

However, Dick did call me yesterday to make sure I was ok. 

Dick:  Boo?

Boo:  Hi, Dick.

Dick:  You alive?

Boo:  Yeah, Dick.  And how are you?

No answer.  He had already hung up the phone … that Dick …

As my loyal readers know, I have lunch every week with someone in the Washington establishment.  These entries are documented here, as Lunchtime With Boo. 

After the 10 February Los Angeles Times article detailing the polite disagreements between the Pentagon and the CIA over Robert Feith’s report on the connection between Iraq and Al-Qaeda in the wake of 9/11, I thought I’d give my friends in the White House ample opportunity to give their side of the story.  Since no one seems to listen to any news unless there lies a promise of Anna Nicole coverage on the horizon, I have included some of my favorite pictures of her in memoriam. 

Below is the rushed trascript of our round table discussion with George Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, and practical noob, Robert Feith.

We met in the White House dining room, and George had to retell the story of how Winston Churchill once roamed the halls with a bourban in one hand and a cigar between his lips, demanding fluffer nutter sandwiches.  His companions smirked, tolerating his unscripted ramblings and only marginally feigning interest.  George didn’t seem to notice.

Boo:  So, let’s talk about the recent Carl Levin report that outlined some of the intelligence failures during the lead-up to the war. 

George:  You know, B-b-boo, no one is talking about what we got right about Sadam and the war.

  Boo:  Which is what?

George:  Sadam did try to kill my daddy.

Dick kicked him under the table.

George:  … Dad.  He tried to kill my dad. 

Boo:  Right.  But there was no connection to Iraq and Al-Qaeda.  No WMD.  You’ve heard this before.  So now it’s time to clear the air.  Why did we go to war?  What was worth the loss of over 3000 soldiers?

George:  Oil.

Boo:  DID YOU JUST SAY -

Dick:  For his salad.

Boo:  What?

Dick:  He wants olive oil for his salad.  As the President, he has a responsibility to stay heart healthy and be a positive example for the nation.

I started to notice that everytime Dick referred to George as “President”, he giggled. 

Boo:  But he doesn’t have a salad.

Rummy:  He’s pre-emptively ordering oil for his salad.  From, from Tikrit.

Boo:  There’s no olive oil made in Tikrit.

Rummy almost got out the next line with a straight face.

Rummy:  There’s no WMD there either.

Boo:  OK, back to the business at hand.  Robert, you have said in your defense that you have done nothing wrong, and that the orders came from Donald and Paul to further explore the possibility between Iraq and Al-Qaeda. 

Robert:  That is correct.  I was checking the work of the CIA.

Boo:  As a civilian, is it appropriate to oversee the intelligence community?

Rummy:  Oh, that’s what Gatesy said.  What a pussy that guy is!

Condi:  There’s really no need to name call!

Rummy made kissing noises at Condi, who, I have it on good authority, is not screwing Robert Gates.

Boo:  So Condi, allow me to follow up on a conversation we were having the other day about memos you have received about this intelligence report.

Condi:  I received them in 2003.  They were really no big deal.

Boo:  Who were they from?

Condi:  Everyone.

Boo:  Everyone?

Condi:  Yes.

Boo:  From where?

Condi:  The CIA.

Boo:  And what did they say?

Condi:  They were all conjecture, really.

Boo:  What was the title of the emails?

Condi:  I believe they were titled something like, “Iraq and Al-Qaeda Have No Fucking Connection, You Morons.”  But I don’t have my computer in front of me.

I could tell as our conversation went on, George got bored.  As I was questioning Condi, he started tapping his cheek to make water droplet sounds.  I never knew how boys did that …

Boo:  So Paul, what did you think of the report once you received it?

Paul:  I thought it was great.

Boo:  What about it was great?

Paul:  It was very thorough. 

Abruptly, Dick addressed me.

Dick:  Is that all?

Boo:  No. 

Dick:  I think you’ve stepped over the line.

Boo:  I haven’t even asked you anything yet.

Dick:  Well, that’s my answer.  I love my lesbian daughter.

George:  Ewe!

Boo:  I wasn’t even going to bring her up …

Dick:  Things are going great in Iraq.

Boo:  No, they aren’t.

Dick:  Who asked you?

Boo:  I’m asking you.  How can you confront the truth so dismissively?

Dick:  Because I’m the Vice President.    Boo:  Is that your answer? 

Dick:  Does there need to be any other?

He smiled that shit-eating grin that I just want to smack.  I smiled back to keep myself from kicking him in the balls.

Boo:  Well, last question for everyone – what’s next?

George:  Iran.

Boo:  Iran??

Then I swear to G-d, Dick, Condi, and Rummy started singing.

Dick/Condi/Rummy:  I ran so far away.  I just ra-a-an, I ran all night and da-a-ay.

Robert:  I couldn’t get away …

Paul did air keyboard, humming that oh so familiar synth chord.

Boo:  Are you singing the Flock of Seagulls song?

Paul:  It’s the President’s favorite.

George giggled again.

Boo:  “I Ran” by A Flock of Seagulls is George’s favorite song?

Dick:  You bet.  But you’re not going to write that.

Boo:  Oh yes, I am.

Dick:  No, you’re not.  Who do you think you are?

Boo:  I’m the blogger, bitch.

As we pay our respects and extend our gratitude to our great men and women of our armed forces for fighting for … something … there is a little known war at home being fought by small, American heroes.  Every Saturday, I hope to pay tribute to them with this blog. 

We set the scene in Hollywood, California:

The Hollywood Hills, once just a flag post for the crushed dreams of Midwestern actors thinking they could make it in the shark-invested waters of Los Angeles, now stand as a stark testament of the smog and pollution, choking what used to be one of the most beautiful cities in America (sans the plastic). Here, the city is under attack.  Our leaders turn the other cheek, getting soundly shot in the face by an enemy so dark, so loathsome, that no citizen has the will to stand up to him:

~ DICKZILLA ~

 

DICKZILLA:  “Arrggghhhh!!!”

He is everywhere, in everything.  In the dark corners of children’s nightmares, he lurks like an ugly predator, suffocating all that is good and right with the world … and he will not stop until he has crushed all resistance to his villainous plans. There is only one force strong enough to combat this malevolent spirit stalking our land.  Ladies and gentleman …

THE SUPER CATS!

 

{From left to right: Professor Schmuel Birnbaum, Madam Chana “Swishy” Schwartz, and Colonel Moishe Levinson, in front of The Hall of Cuteness}

These feline patriots of freedom have dedicated their lives to destroy the evil forces of Dickzilla and his ilk through utter cuteness. Oh No!  Dickzilla strikes first in a pre-emptive attack on our heroes! 

COLONEL MOISHE:  “Professor, behind you!”

MADAM CHANA:  “Schmuel, watch out! …. Noooooooooo!!”

{< ZAP!>}

PROFESSOR: “It takes more than gamma rays and a flacid nut sack to defeat our cuteness, Dickzilla!”

{< CAPOW!>}

DICKZILLA:  “Argghhhh!!!!”

Madam Chana goes for the jugular as The Professor severes the achilles heel, stopping Dickzilla from furthering his path of destruction!

Today, fellow Americans, we are safe … but for tomorrow, there will always be

THE SUPER CATS!

History’s judgement seems to be a little jaded.  Did I say a little jaded?  I meant really fucking jaded. 

For instance, during a time in our nation’s history when our black citizens were segregated, sitting in the back of the bus, suffering the lynching of their men, and being blown off the street by fire hoses (fire hoses, people!), Malcolm X declared: 

“We want freedom by any means necessary. We want justice by any means necessary. We want equality by any means necessary.”

Everyone could witness the injustice occurring on our streets, in our schools, and even in our places of worship.  It was everywhere.  It was visible, but more importantly – the injustice was PROVABLE. 

IT WAS ALMOST AS IF WE WERE TERRORIZING OUR OWN CITIZENS!

However, when Malcolm X said those words to reporters, a firestorm ignited.  People turned on Malcolm X – white people feared and distrusted this man who, quite frankly, was telling some much needed truth. 

Now let’s take a look at Dick Cheney, the chief architect of the War on Terror.  On the September 16th, 2001 program of “Meet the Press”, the Vice President said he would hunt the terrorists “by any means at our disposal.”  At the time, it sounded good.  No one in the world – not even the most liberal citizens of our country – would ever have suspected that these means at their disposal would clutch us into a bullshit war in a country that had no ties to the attack and a country that the administration knew had no connection to 9/11. 

But there has been no real outrage toward Cheney X, who uses the same grandiose verbage to justify a bullshit war.*  No calls from people on the streets to out this dangerous man – this man who puts our nation’s kids on the streets of Baghdad for reasons no one can really capitulate (and it ain’t freedom). 

Why are we pussy-footing around impeachment hearings?  Did Ken Starr damage our gentle psyches that much?  Maybe it’s just me, I really don’t want to read about the bullshit we put up with in the annals of time.  I want to read about it on the front page … and I want to cheer when someone finally hands it these assholes.  Wouldn’t it be great if that accomplish belonged to the people, and not a prosecutor?

At least Malcolm X recanted some of his most volatile ideas; he was man enough to learn and grow as a human being.  I don’t see Cheney X becoming Cheney Wan Kenobi. 

*If you want to read about the intelligence of the Iraq War, please follow this link: http://www.pbs.org/wgbh/pages/frontline/view/