Bush Administration Climate Change Policy Suggestions
On February 2nd, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change will release one of the most comprehensive reports on climate change in recent years. The Bush Administration has tried to steer conclusions away from a climate treaty to reduce emissions toward a policy of using giant mirrors, reflective dust, or even reflective balloons to block or bounce sunlight to help cool the Earth.
I sat down earlier today with Harlan Watson, Senior Climate Negotiator at the U.S. State Department and Days of Our Lives aficionado, to learn more about the Bush Administration’s policies on battling global warming. Since I wasn’t allowed to make a video of our conversation, I’ve included a transcript below.
Boo: Dr. Watson, so good for you to come speak with me today.
Dr. Watson: You wanna drink?
Just to be clear, Dr. Watson did seem a tad bit distracted. He brought a tumbler and the entire bottle of Scotch to the table. In the background, I could hear what sounded like a TV program playing.
Boo: No, thank you. So, Dr. Watson, for my readers, can you discuss a little bit about the giant mirrors the Bush Administation is advocating for inclusion in the IPCC report?
Dr. Watson: Well, you know how when you’re hanging out in your swimming pool -
Boo: I don’t have a swimming pool -
Dr. Watson: Well, you know how when normal kids are hanging out by their swimming pools and they get a magnifying glass and burn ants with it?
Boo: … sorta …
Dr. Watson: That’s what we wanna do, but in reverse.
Boo: Just reflect the sunlight.
Dr. Watson: Yup.
Dr. Watson contemplated his glass of scotch with a winced eye and flare of the nostril. Seeming worlds away, his sudden sense of melodrama made me think he might actually take climate change seriously.
Boo: OK … what other ideas are currently being contemplated by the Bush Administration?
Dr. Watson: Can Iran be the ants by the swimming pool?
Boo’s Inner Dialogue: Oh G-d, he actually thought that was funny. Jesus Christ, it’s fucking freezing … you could cut glass with my nipples!
Boo: Dr. Watson, please. What about emission limits? It doesn’t really appear as the administration is serious about focusing on carbon dioxide emissions, which credible scientists agree are causing a major problem with our climate.
Dr. Watson: We have plenty of ideas.
Boo: Like what?
Dr. Watson: You want me to name them now?
Boo: Please.
Dr. Watson: Like just list a a bunch of things we’re doing …
Boo: That’s why we’re here.
Dr. Watson: We’re here because my EX secretary is too stupid to … never mind. Well, we’re going to fund huge dehumidifiers to be placed in every city in the U.S.
He looked at me like he said something really profound. Did I miss something? Am I through the looking glass? What the hell is going on?
Without excusing himself, he walked into another room. I quickly partook of the scotch because it was obvious that sobriety was getting me nowhere … fast. When he came back in, he was mumbling something vehemently under his breath.
Boo: What was that, Dr. Watson?
Dr. Watson: (under his breath) If Stefano Dimera has fucked with Patch one more time, I swear to G-d.
Boo: What?
Dr. Watson: Are you still here?
Boo’s Inner Dialogue: No, this is one of your fucking mirrors reflecting my image in the room shithead.
Boo: Explain to me what the dehumidifiers would do?
He glanced at me with eyes you reserve for the “special” cashier who takes 20 minutes to ring your bubblegum, paper towels and a box of condoms. I should have started smoking weed again before coming to this interview.
Dr. Watson: It’s not the heat … it’s the humidity that’ll kill us.
Boo’s Inner Dialogue: Dear Stephen Hawking, please move up the Doomsday Clock one more minute …
I don’t care what you say, I’m not following that up.
Boo: And what else?
Dr. Watson: It’s pretty comprehensive, really. We’ll incorporate giant ice tea reservoirs throughout the country. Who the hell doesn’t want a tall glass of tea on a hot day?
Boo’s Inner Dialogue: Will there be scotch in it?
Dr. Watson: And we’ll offer a tax credit on all fan purchases. Hand fans AND electric fans. It provides an even playing field for families.
Boo’s Inner Dialogue: ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA!
Dr. Watson: I’d like to see a revolutionary new approach to the way we live in the world. Like cars run on nuclear energy. Houses cooled with clean burning coal. The possiblities are endless.
He emptied his third glass, sat back in his chair, and studied me like I kidnapped the Lindbergh baby. That was it. I tried to graciously excuse myself, which didn’t work because I might have exclaimed I HEARD THERE ARE DEHUMIDIFIERS IN HELL ASSHOLE on my way down the hall. Don’t worry, I doubt he heard me. He was already back to the TV, contemplating the sands through the hourglass … so are the days of our lives. The really fucking hot days this administration could give a crap about …
