When I heard my friend, John McCain, say this:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hAzBxFaio1I]

I thought to myself, since when were retarded assholes allowed to run for President?  Of course, it didn’t take me long to answer that one for myself. 

For this Friday’s video stroll, I would like to share this video that I saw about Iran.  Thank you to To Hell With Culture for posting this. 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jEHW7r3HsKI&mode=related&search=]

Whether it’s mediation, prayer, a good old fashioned trip to the therapist’s office, or all of the above, everyone needs to partake in some soul searching.  Last time, I devoted this segment to the KKK.  Today, let’s look at Hollywood and Iran … Time For Some Soul Searching!

The number 1 movie in America has deeply offended the Iranian people.  300, a precise celluloid adaptation of Frank Miller’s comic book un-precisely based on the Spartan stand at Thermopylae, has sparked petitions, outrage and exclamations from the country for the portrayal of Persians as monsters, slave owners, pimps and last, but not least, the most fabulous Xerxes of all time.

Let’s look at this rationally – and historically – for a moment.

First of all, a little history …

1. No Persian was a monster or had fangs.  Just wanted to get that out of the way.   And if Spartan men really had those washboard abs, female scientists would have already invented time travel long ago.

2. We have inherited a rich and important history of ideas from the Persians, namely from Cyrus the Great who penned the first ideas about human rights.  A replica is displayed today at the U.N.  Those who the Persians conquered enjoyed a considerable amount of freedom, though small tributes and obligatory service in the military were no silver lining indeed.  Just ask the Ionians.

3. Darius, Xerxes’ father, and Xerxes realized that entry into Europe was essential to hold Asia Minor. 

4. No one wants to be conquered, no matter how well they’re treated afterwards.  The house slave might sleep in the house, but they’re still a slave.  Even the ones that slept with our forefathers.  The Persians, historically, were an imperial force set to hold a legistical stake in the region.  The Greeks were free people who wanted to remain that way.  When Xerxes took power in 486, revolts shook his lands in Egypt.  People then, just like today, don’t like foreign forces invading their country and telling them how to live.  Funny, huh?

So this entire argument of the benevolence of Xerxes is a bit overblown.  He wasn’t the worst conqueor in the world, but that doesn’t negate the fact that he took away people’s freedom.  In the movie, however, he was a comic book figure – a gold speedo’d, lacquered and powdered comic book figure.  I’m sure this garb would have landed Xerxes on the worst dressed list in historical Persia.   

But now to the movie which has attracted so much ire.  Let’s look at what officials in Iran are saying:

American cultural officials thought they could get mental satisfaction by plundering Iran’s historic past and insulting this civilization.

Javad Shamadhdavi, cultural advisor to President Ahmadinejad

I thought the same thing – we have cultural officials??? 

And it’s ironic that the cultural advisor feigns any interest in history as his President just held a conference to investigate whether or not the Holocaust actually happened.  Maybe Ahmadinejad should throw a cartoon contest in protest. 

My Iranian friends – respect breeds respect.  If you don’t want to smell like shit, wipe your ass.   

Now for Hollywood – Noam Chomsky discusses how portrayals of Arabs (and this could be said for Russians and the Chinese) manufacture the consent of prejudice and bigotry  towards our neighbors around the globe.  From Rocky IV to 24, foreigners make good targets. 

Don’t get me wrong, sometimes non-white people are the bad guys.  If the storytellers do their job responsibly, no harm, no foul.  However, the inhuman portrayal of “bad guys”, as in the case of Ivan Drago, can step over the line. 

I respectfully, in the case of 300, disagree that this movie will manufacture the consent of bigotry toward Iranians simply because the costuming, portrayals, and the characterization were so over the top – so COMIC BOOK-ESQUE – that even Rednecks won’t equate one with the other.

I mean really, we see a Spartan have sex with a woman.  Now you know that has to be a work of fiction …

I want everyone to take a break from their day today and say a small prayer for my friend, Karl Rove.  I know, I know … he’s not everyone’s favorite evil genius, but he is a human being (sort of) who is under a lot of stress lately. 

You see, Karl needs to twist political rhetoric into befuddled logic for the American people in order to justify another bullshit war.  This is a huge task in and of itself.  The problem is, the American people aren’t so gullible anymore.  We know – for the most part – the fear tactics and problematic intelligence used the first time.  What’s that saying?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qDuG0ZYD5I]

Oh yeah … something like that.

So on the phone today with Karl, he was a bit upset.  Here’s just a tidbit of the conversation:

Karl:  I feel so bad … I just want someone to bring me warm milk and rub my tummy!

Boo:  What’s wrong, babe?

Karl:  I’ve lost it, Boo.  I’ve lost the touch.

Boo:  Don’t say that.  You can bullshit me with illogical rhetoric anyday!

Karl:  Really?

Boo:  Yeah.

I heard Karl blow his nose; it sounded like a freakin’ fog horn.

Karl:  You’re just sayin’ that.

Boo:  No, I’m not.  I totally buy all the bullshit about Iran.  I could totally blow the hell out of those people!

Karl:  Really?  I mean, like, the QUD’s force argument and all?

Boo:  Totally.

Karl:  What was your favorite part?  About my bullshit, I mean.

I had to take a moment to think about it.  There is just so much Rovian bullshit these days.

Boo:  Well, I like how you’re focusing on Iran and not, say, Saudi Arabia.  After all, Saudi Arabia is funding the Sunni militias who are responsible for 92% of the overall casualties and injuries to U.S. forces, but you’re focusing on Iran. 

Karl:  The Saudis own 18% of the country.  We have to divert attention.

Boo:  And it’s a brilliant scheme -

Karl:  Say that again.

Boo:  What?

Karl:  Brilliant scheme.

Boo:  Brilliant scheme.

Karl muttered what I think was a “oh yeah baby”, but I let it go.  Sometimes Karl can be creepy.  Friendly, but creepy.  Of course, you haven’t rubbed his tummy either, but I digress.

Boo:  Want to know my favorite part?

Karl:  YEAH!

I tried to do my best George Bush impression; I fear it’s really just a Ross Perot on cough medicine.

Boo:  “I don’t know what’s worse.  That the Iranian government knew about the QUDs force, or that it didn’t know about it.”

Karl started his belly laugh that can literally make the ground shake.  He once laughed so hard that he fell back in his chair.  I think that was over the whole WMD thing.  Who knows … there are just so many to count at this point.  But no one can make Karl Rove laugh like Karl Rove.  Not even Rummy.

Boo:  I mean, the argument clearly makes no sense whatsoever.  And I heard Tony repeat it at the White House Press Briefing.  Clearly, if the Iranian government knows about it, that is much worse because that is a clear indication of military interference by a country with forces greater than Iraq’s.  And if the Iranian government doesn’t know, that’s just another opening for possible diplomatic possibilities -

Karl:  Diplomacy is for pussies!

Boo:  Even though it works!

Karl:  Yeah!!!

Boo:  But if you just keep repeating -

Karl:  The country’ll be believing!

He loved that phrase.  Karl knows that if you repeat something enough, and show angry Muslims in the process, what you repeat will become truth.

Boo:  But do you ever feel bad, Karl?

Karl:  Bad about what?

Boo:  About the intellectual dishonesty?  About the bullshit you’re feeding to the American people? 

To his credit, Karl thought about this for a second.  Then I heard it.

The belly laugh … I guess that’s my answer.

Through one of my numerous, anonymous and possibly imaginary sources, I have learned that Iran is, in fact, going to send one of their top militias into the throngs of Baghdad. 

Mohammad Ali Hosseini, the Iranian Foreign Ministry Spokesman, noted earlier today that Iran is fully aware, from numerous messages stemming from the United States, that America hates gays.  Especially in the military. 

America hates the gay.  Even if they can fight.  Even if they are smart.  Even if they can sharp-shoot.  So we are prepared – if need be – to take advantage of that hatred.  Because we don’t like the gay much either, but hey … we’re not, like, total idiots. 

When pressed further about it, he demured, but let there be no question, according to my unchecked source, Iran is prepared to send in their QUD Lesbian Task Force. 

 This is a startling development in regards to the war in Iraq because heretofore, no high ranking official in the Iranian government has openly admitted to assisting any Shia militias in Iraq. 

We are not assisting any Shia militias in Iraq.  No, I’m not winking.  It’s a twitch for all of those restless nights thinking about our QUD Lesbian Task Force.  They really throw themselves head first into combat.  They could really lick anyone on the battlefield.  But we do have a vested interest in our neighboring country.  I must tell you though, I do feel very emboldened by all those Democrats who are supporting that non-binding resolution.  I think my penis has grown. 

Unnamed, unofficial, informal and dubious officials have recently said that Muqtada Al-Sadr has fled Iraq to go to Iran.  Whether Al-Sadr fled, or just simply traveled, is up for debate; although unofficials in the Pentagon have inferred through unreliable and anonymous sources that he fled to escape the Baghdad Security Forces and upcoming American Forces escalation. 

None of this has yet to substantiated, but Curveball is working on it.

Al-Sadr, pictured here doing his best Wolf Man impression, has sent word through a friend of a friend who is a second cousin once removed on his mother’s side, that he did not flee, but is undergoing a makeover and a career change. 

Muqtada Al-Sadr wants to act.

I have been inspired by Osama Bin Laden.  His past cave work, you know, the stuff from early in the millennium, really inspired me.  His performance is so subtle, yet complex.  And the camera work is so nuanced but straightforward at the same time.  I also enjoy Bollywood movies.  Oh and, death to America.

It just shows ladies and gentlemen, it’s never too late to follow your dream. 

Just hours after a press conference given by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Peter Pace, I had the privilage of speaking to my old friend, Condi, in D.C.  Below, I have included a rush transcript of our conversation.