My mother lives in Spring, TX, and for those of you who don’t know, Houston and the surrounding areas are the Bible Chastity Belt.  As the only Jewish woman in a sea of Evangelical Christianity, she often gets email forwards about the love of Jesus, the love Jesus has for George Bush, and the love Evangelical Christians have for irrationality.  {I mean, really, if you believe in a trinity and can manage to call it monotheism … you’ll believe anything!}

Below, I have pasted one of these lovely email forwards to illustrate what we, in the Rational Revolution, are up against.  Read at your own risk (and blood pressure levels …).  I would also like to note that by referring to Evangelicals, I in no way mean to imply moderate, tolerant Christians – otherwise known as REAL Christians. 

My notes are in bold.

Was Pres Bush Wrong??? 

Read all of this one, it is interesting!!  Read down to the very bottom highlighted in green, IT’LL GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS!!!  You don’t want to miss this!  VERY INTERESTING-

The set up here is quite interesting, though it is complete and utter bullshit.  What the author would like to convey is Biblical evidence that the War in Iraq was somehow mandated in the Bible.  So, let’s give the author the benefit of the doubt and assume that he/she knew that Iraq was established in 1932 after WWI.  I have never found any reference to trench warfare in the Torah or the King James Bible, but I digress …

1. The Garden of Eden was in Iraq

We have no idea where the Garden of Eden was, and if we did, we would have already destroyed its natural resources for oil or other exploitative resources. 
2. Mesopotamia, which is now Iraq, was the cradle of civilization!

This is absolutely true as long as you discount the entire continent of Africa, and honestly, we seem to do that at present so often, why not direct our apathy to the cradle of civilization as well?
3. Noah built the ark in Iraq

I will give $100 to anyone who can site a reference in the Bible of a geographical location directly connected to Noah.  That’s $100, some of which might be Monopoly money.
4. The Tower of Babel was in Iraq

See my challenge above.  If you’re an Evangelical Christian, however, you probably don’t use reference material much, so never mind.
5. Abraham was from Ur, which is in Southern Iraq !

This was Abraham’s ancestral home, but he is linked to Haran in the Torah.  However, I completely understand why Evangelical Christians believe this without question.  After all, George Bush was born in Connecticut (making him a Yankee), but everyone believes he’s a Texan.  Go figure …
6. Isaac’s wife Rebekah is from Nahor, which is in Iraq !

I’ll give this one to them as I am fair and balanced (which really means that I’m completely biased, but come on now …)
7. Jacob met Rachel in Iraq

Um, no … Aram would probably have been in Turkey/Northern Syria, so that geography is way off.  Of course, Saudi Arabian men attacked us on 9/11 guided out of Afghanistan which caused a pre-emptive war in Iraq, proving once and for all that follies in geographical attacks do have a Biblical concordance.

8. Jonah preached in Nineveh – which is in Iraq

Actually, Nineveh was Turkey/Iraq … in the general area …
9. Assyria, which is in Iraq, conquered the ten tribes of Israel.

Again … in the general area, like IN THE MIDDLE EAST!
10. Amos cried out in Iraq !

No, he did this in Israel, and he never traveled outside of Israel/Judah.  It sure would help if Evangelical Christians actually read the Bible …
11 Babylon , which is in Iraq , destroyed Jerusalem

This is a bit misleading (big surprise!) since equating Babylon with a country younger than Paul Newman is a bit dubious.
12. Daniel was in the lion’s den in Iraq !

Again, dubious …
13. The three Hebrew children were in the fire in Iraq (Jesus had been in Iraq also as the fourth person in the Fiery Furnace!)

Last time I checked, Jesus was nowhere to be found in the “Old” Testament.  That’s the whole reason they wrote a ”New” one …
14. Belshazzar, the King of Babylon saw the “writing on the wall” in Iraq.

Babylon = present day Iraq :: Jesus = Republican 
15. Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon, carried the Jews captive into Iraq.

See above …

16. Ezekiel preached in Iraq ….

See above …

17. The wise men were from Iraq …

No, they were from the East which even in Biblical times, encompasses a pretty big area.  However, that does go with the modern day thinking that the entire Middle East is just one, big Arab country.
18. Peter preached in Iraq ..

Except that he’s never mentioned to be anywhere near there …
19. The “Empire of Man” described in Revelation is called Babylon , which was a city in
Iraq! And you have probably seen this one: Israel is the nation most often mentioned in the Bible.

But do you know which nation is second?  It is Iraq !

This really is gonna piss off Egypt …

However, that is not the name that is used in the Bible.  The names used in the Bible are Babylon, Land of Shinar , and Mesopotamia … The word Mesopotamia
means between the two rivers, more exactly between the Tigris And Euphrates Rivers ..

The name Iraq , means country with deep roots.  Indeed Iraq is a country with deep roots and is a very significant country in the Bible.  No other nation, except Israel , has more history and prophecy associated with it than Iraq.

Egypt:  Look over here!  Over here … You know the Pyramids and Moses?!?  What the hell do we have to do to get some recognition around here?!?!?

And also, this is something to think about: Since America is typically represented by an
eagle.  Saddam and Bin Laddin should have read up on their Muslim passages …
The following verse is from the Koran, (the Islamic Bible):

Koran (9:11) – For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome
Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while
some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced; for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah; And there was peace.

(Note the verse number!) Hmmmmmmm?!

Now this is the pinnacle of bullshit right here.  First, we are to imagine that bald eagles were seen in the Middle East.  Second, we have to imagine that an entire population of Evangelical Christians can’t summon enough rational thought to plug in www.snopes.com into their web browser, or at least Google the Koran. 

For those of you held in utter suspense, here it is folks, Chapter 9, Verse 11 of the Koran:

But if they repent and keep up prayer and pay the poor-rate, they are your brethren in faith; and We make the communications clear for a people who know.

It is difficult enough that people would use their own faith to propel their own prejudices and political views.  You would think if Iraq was so revered as a Biblical city, our country would have shown far more respect for the museums and historical landmarks within it.  Wasn’t it Rummy who said, when asked about the pillaging of the museums: “How many vases could there possibly be in Iraq?” 

It is far worse that so many will fall for it.  The correct information is easily accessible, and the argument is transparent in its irrationality. 

So I invite you, in this season of charity, to give the gift of Rational Thought to your fellow Evangelical Christians.  They will hate you for it and possibly end any sort of communication with you … but that’s only one of the perks.

Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, pictured above posing as a New York City cab driver, recently confessed to masterminding the 9/11 attacks, beheading Daniel Pearl, and trying to assassinate former Presidents.  Transcripts have recently been released regarding these confessions, and much classified information has been left out due to its sensitive material. 

But fear not, dear readers, for I – of course – have the FULL list of confessions by KSM.  Please read this at your discretion as there is much sensitive material below.

KSM:  “I planned 31 attacks and plots.  Death to America!  Four more and I would have received my commemorative clock.  I was responsible for the 9/11 operation from A to Z.  So don’t even bother looking for Osama Bin Laden.  He’s just our dashing front man, our Bono if you will.  We so got you America, you evil bastion of decadence!

We tried assassinating your beloved President, Bill Clinton, by sending virgins into his Harlem office.  They came out no longer virgins, but we will not let that hinder our mission!  I am the mastermind of the world!  And why is that Bill Clinton so suave?? 

I am very technologically inclined.  Every time you drop a call on your cell, yeah, that’s me.  And when you’re typing a document in Word, and the computer blips, and you lose everything … ha ha ha – that is me America! 

We are everywhere.  There is no place out of our reach.  Like when you’re driving and you know you’ve just put gas in your car, but your fuel gage says ‘empty’, you guessed it – me!

And when you put your keys down, and you know you put them on the counter, but they’re not there anymore – me!  So much fun to screw with America! 

You cannot run from me and my master mind!  I made your President retarded and made sure Laura Bush looked like Michael Jackson after her face lifts.  Oh, I really like the album Thriller, by the way. 

Ha ha ha America!  I am the mastermind of the world!  OF THE WORLD I SAY!!!”

I want everyone to take a break from their day today and say a small prayer for my friend, Karl Rove.  I know, I know … he’s not everyone’s favorite evil genius, but he is a human being (sort of) who is under a lot of stress lately. 

You see, Karl needs to twist political rhetoric into befuddled logic for the American people in order to justify another bullshit war.  This is a huge task in and of itself.  The problem is, the American people aren’t so gullible anymore.  We know – for the most part – the fear tactics and problematic intelligence used the first time.  What’s that saying?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0qDuG0ZYD5I]

Oh yeah … something like that.

So on the phone today with Karl, he was a bit upset.  Here’s just a tidbit of the conversation:

Karl:  I feel so bad … I just want someone to bring me warm milk and rub my tummy!

Boo:  What’s wrong, babe?

Karl:  I’ve lost it, Boo.  I’ve lost the touch.

Boo:  Don’t say that.  You can bullshit me with illogical rhetoric anyday!

Karl:  Really?

Boo:  Yeah.

I heard Karl blow his nose; it sounded like a freakin’ fog horn.

Karl:  You’re just sayin’ that.

Boo:  No, I’m not.  I totally buy all the bullshit about Iran.  I could totally blow the hell out of those people!

Karl:  Really?  I mean, like, the QUD’s force argument and all?

Boo:  Totally.

Karl:  What was your favorite part?  About my bullshit, I mean.

I had to take a moment to think about it.  There is just so much Rovian bullshit these days.

Boo:  Well, I like how you’re focusing on Iran and not, say, Saudi Arabia.  After all, Saudi Arabia is funding the Sunni militias who are responsible for 92% of the overall casualties and injuries to U.S. forces, but you’re focusing on Iran. 

Karl:  The Saudis own 18% of the country.  We have to divert attention.

Boo:  And it’s a brilliant scheme -

Karl:  Say that again.

Boo:  What?

Karl:  Brilliant scheme.

Boo:  Brilliant scheme.

Karl muttered what I think was a “oh yeah baby”, but I let it go.  Sometimes Karl can be creepy.  Friendly, but creepy.  Of course, you haven’t rubbed his tummy either, but I digress.

Boo:  Want to know my favorite part?

Karl:  YEAH!

I tried to do my best George Bush impression; I fear it’s really just a Ross Perot on cough medicine.

Boo:  “I don’t know what’s worse.  That the Iranian government knew about the QUDs force, or that it didn’t know about it.”

Karl started his belly laugh that can literally make the ground shake.  He once laughed so hard that he fell back in his chair.  I think that was over the whole WMD thing.  Who knows … there are just so many to count at this point.  But no one can make Karl Rove laugh like Karl Rove.  Not even Rummy.

Boo:  I mean, the argument clearly makes no sense whatsoever.  And I heard Tony repeat it at the White House Press Briefing.  Clearly, if the Iranian government knows about it, that is much worse because that is a clear indication of military interference by a country with forces greater than Iraq’s.  And if the Iranian government doesn’t know, that’s just another opening for possible diplomatic possibilities -

Karl:  Diplomacy is for pussies!

Boo:  Even though it works!

Karl:  Yeah!!!

Boo:  But if you just keep repeating -

Karl:  The country’ll be believing!

He loved that phrase.  Karl knows that if you repeat something enough, and show angry Muslims in the process, what you repeat will become truth.

Boo:  But do you ever feel bad, Karl?

Karl:  Bad about what?

Boo:  About the intellectual dishonesty?  About the bullshit you’re feeding to the American people? 

To his credit, Karl thought about this for a second.  Then I heard it.

The belly laugh … I guess that’s my answer.

As my loyal readers know, I have lunch every week with someone in the Washington establishment.  These entries are documented here, as Lunchtime With Boo. 

After the 10 February Los Angeles Times article detailing the polite disagreements between the Pentagon and the CIA over Robert Feith’s report on the connection between Iraq and Al-Qaeda in the wake of 9/11, I thought I’d give my friends in the White House ample opportunity to give their side of the story.  Since no one seems to listen to any news unless there lies a promise of Anna Nicole coverage on the horizon, I have included some of my favorite pictures of her in memoriam. 

Below is the rushed trascript of our round table discussion with George Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, and practical noob, Robert Feith.

We met in the White House dining room, and George had to retell the story of how Winston Churchill once roamed the halls with a bourban in one hand and a cigar between his lips, demanding fluffer nutter sandwiches.  His companions smirked, tolerating his unscripted ramblings and only marginally feigning interest.  George didn’t seem to notice.

Boo:  So, let’s talk about the recent Carl Levin report that outlined some of the intelligence failures during the lead-up to the war. 

George:  You know, B-b-boo, no one is talking about what we got right about Sadam and the war.

  Boo:  Which is what?

George:  Sadam did try to kill my daddy.

Dick kicked him under the table.

George:  … Dad.  He tried to kill my dad. 

Boo:  Right.  But there was no connection to Iraq and Al-Qaeda.  No WMD.  You’ve heard this before.  So now it’s time to clear the air.  Why did we go to war?  What was worth the loss of over 3000 soldiers?

George:  Oil.

Boo:  DID YOU JUST SAY -

Dick:  For his salad.

Boo:  What?

Dick:  He wants olive oil for his salad.  As the President, he has a responsibility to stay heart healthy and be a positive example for the nation.

I started to notice that everytime Dick referred to George as “President”, he giggled. 

Boo:  But he doesn’t have a salad.

Rummy:  He’s pre-emptively ordering oil for his salad.  From, from Tikrit.

Boo:  There’s no olive oil made in Tikrit.

Rummy almost got out the next line with a straight face.

Rummy:  There’s no WMD there either.

Boo:  OK, back to the business at hand.  Robert, you have said in your defense that you have done nothing wrong, and that the orders came from Donald and Paul to further explore the possibility between Iraq and Al-Qaeda. 

Robert:  That is correct.  I was checking the work of the CIA.

Boo:  As a civilian, is it appropriate to oversee the intelligence community?

Rummy:  Oh, that’s what Gatesy said.  What a pussy that guy is!

Condi:  There’s really no need to name call!

Rummy made kissing noises at Condi, who, I have it on good authority, is not screwing Robert Gates.

Boo:  So Condi, allow me to follow up on a conversation we were having the other day about memos you have received about this intelligence report.

Condi:  I received them in 2003.  They were really no big deal.

Boo:  Who were they from?

Condi:  Everyone.

Boo:  Everyone?

Condi:  Yes.

Boo:  From where?

Condi:  The CIA.

Boo:  And what did they say?

Condi:  They were all conjecture, really.

Boo:  What was the title of the emails?

Condi:  I believe they were titled something like, “Iraq and Al-Qaeda Have No Fucking Connection, You Morons.”  But I don’t have my computer in front of me.

I could tell as our conversation went on, George got bored.  As I was questioning Condi, he started tapping his cheek to make water droplet sounds.  I never knew how boys did that …

Boo:  So Paul, what did you think of the report once you received it?

Paul:  I thought it was great.

Boo:  What about it was great?

Paul:  It was very thorough. 

Abruptly, Dick addressed me.

Dick:  Is that all?

Boo:  No. 

Dick:  I think you’ve stepped over the line.

Boo:  I haven’t even asked you anything yet.

Dick:  Well, that’s my answer.  I love my lesbian daughter.

George:  Ewe!

Boo:  I wasn’t even going to bring her up …

Dick:  Things are going great in Iraq.

Boo:  No, they aren’t.

Dick:  Who asked you?

Boo:  I’m asking you.  How can you confront the truth so dismissively?

Dick:  Because I’m the Vice President.    Boo:  Is that your answer? 

Dick:  Does there need to be any other?

He smiled that shit-eating grin that I just want to smack.  I smiled back to keep myself from kicking him in the balls.

Boo:  Well, last question for everyone – what’s next?

George:  Iran.

Boo:  Iran??

Then I swear to G-d, Dick, Condi, and Rummy started singing.

Dick/Condi/Rummy:  I ran so far away.  I just ra-a-an, I ran all night and da-a-ay.

Robert:  I couldn’t get away …

Paul did air keyboard, humming that oh so familiar synth chord.

Boo:  Are you singing the Flock of Seagulls song?

Paul:  It’s the President’s favorite.

George giggled again.

Boo:  “I Ran” by A Flock of Seagulls is George’s favorite song?

Dick:  You bet.  But you’re not going to write that.

Boo:  Oh yes, I am.

Dick:  No, you’re not.  Who do you think you are?

Boo:  I’m the blogger, bitch.

In case you missed Senators Mitch McConnell, Trent Lott, or Jon Kyl talking about fairness to the media this afternoon, it was truly a sight to behold.  The irony (read: hypocritical bullshit) was about as thick as Coca-Cola’s Black History Month commercial during the Superbowl.

To be fair, we should debate many Resolutions.  Everyone in this body has a voice – not many ideas – but a really loud voice, and it’s our Constitutional right to withhold an up or down vote to the Democrats the way they did to us when we were still pretending to be looking out for our constituents’ best interest.

~ Trent Lott, R-MS

OK, Trent never said that.  He did, however, call me about 100 times in 2005 during the Judicial Nominee voting fiasco, yell “NUCLEAR”, and hang up.  I never let on that I knew it was him because he gets really sensitive when he thinks he hasn’t made a funny … but I digress.

So what the hell is really going on here?  Well, you see, it’s simple really.  Muddy the waters enough so that many non-binding resolutions pollute the vote.  Then, come election time, Republicans can sorta still stand by the troops via the Commander-In-Chief putting them in harm’s way, while still opposing George Bush.  It’s like supporting something by not supporting it.  It’s like they’re spineless bastards playing politics with human life! 

And are any Democrats going to outwit, outlast, outplay the Republicans?  Maybe, maybe not.  You see, as long as the Republicans continue to frame the debate … oh, I’m sorry, let me rephrase:  As long as Democrats allow the Republicans to frame the debate on de-funding the war as being equivalent to not supporting our troops, then no.  And we’re fucked.  So what now?

Below, I propose my own non-binding resolution.  Feel free to vote yea or ney. 

Whereas the Senate has their tales up their collective asses,

And whereas we, the citizens of this country, gave a vote of “no confidence” to this President and this war,

And whereas we do not currently have the representation in Congress that by right is our Constitutional covenant with this country,

And whereas taxation only comes with representation,

We the people of the United States of America hereby decree this fifth day of February, two thousand and seven to withhold any tax payment to the government that no longer represents our beliefs, our interests, or our values.  We will withhold our taxes until the following terms are met:

• Legitimate progress must be made on the issue of redeployment for our troops in Iraq.
• Veterans benefits will be made in a timely manner.
• All veterans will have full access to healthcare, both mental and physical, aftercare upon return from Iraq.
• All American citizens will have full access to healthcare as it is a right, not a privilage, to be healthy in the weathiest nation on the planet.
• Our government will recognize its role on climate change, and make progress accordingly to solve our oil addiction and carbon emissions.
• Tax cuts will not only be for the rich.
• Families making $50,000 per year will receive more tax benefits than oil companies.
• The elected representatives will regard the will of the people and make no effort to obstruct our voices. 

Undersigned,

Boo Friedmann and the undersigned citizens of the United States of America

{… or you could just get your asses in line, and I’ll not only vote for you again, but I’ll take everyone out to the buffet at Sizzler’s.  My treat.  Really. I’ll use my refund.}

Osama Bin Laden thought that the lack of American resolve was a key reason why he can inspire people to come after us on September 11th.  I am not accusing members of the Senate of inviting carnage on the United States of America.  I’m simply saying you think about what impact it may have.

Tony Snow, White House Press Secretary and Master of the “I know what you are, but what am I?” level of discourse at the podium. 

I’m not amazed that the White House and their ilk continue to flock to transposition in order to defend what can no longer be defended.  Implanting bullshit ideas that have no truth or factual basis has proven an effective weapon against reality.  The idea becomes the truth through repetition, and the media is all too eager to play along. 

The White House enjoys this game of cat and mouse because no one followed up with the question no longer on anyone’s minds:

AND OSAMA BIN LADEN WOULD BE WHERE, EXACTLY???

Is Tony having lunch with OBL?  Do they email?  How does Tony have that laser-sharp insight into the very workings of his thought processes? 

Ironic how we want to spread democracy to the Middle East (actually, my bubbe would call it more of a “schmear”) but when we practice it over here we embolden the terrorists.  Of course, not knowing the difference between a Sunni, a Shia and a Sherpa probably doesn’t help much either. 

As long as the Executive Branch keeps scraping away at our freedom, the terrorists won’t have much of our freedom to hate any longer.  Thus effectively, if not rhetorically, ending the war on terror.  It’s brilliant really – they hate us, so we’ll just become them.  Bravo Dick Cheney and the Project For a New American Century.  Bravo …

When I heard Bush declare at last year’s State of the Union that America was addicted to oil, I visualized the heroin needle popping out of a junky’s vein, looking him in the eye and saying, “You are addicted to heroin.”  

But if you heard a deafening cry throughout the land today, it was the Big Oil companies wailing over what could be a big goodbye to $700 million dollars in tax breaks this year.  That’s right – the 110th Congress debated on the House Floor H.R. 6 – the Energy Bill which was part of the 100 Hours Agenda.  Going after the Big Oil??  The only thing to ask is:

WHO THE FUCK DO THE DEMOCRATS THINK THEY ARE???

I mean, ending certain subsidies to the oil industry and shifting those funds to the tune of $15 billion over the next 10 years to promote renewable energy, alternative fuels, efficiancy and conservation sounds like a load o’ crap to me. 

Actually … I was just seeing if you were paying attention; although, in the interest of full disclosure, I do not drive a fuel efficient car; rather, I drive a highway ready 747 jumbo jet.  My husband cut off the wings to enable it to fit comfortably within the lanes (comfortable to me, at least).  I find that as a short person, it is the essential ride I need to see over you fucking bastards who drive trucks in the city.  But I digress …

The revenue from the bill basically breaks down like this:

• $10 billion would be recovered from funds lost in an accounting error from the sale of deep water drilling leases in the Gulf of Mexico.  Like all things that are wrong with the world including terrorism, traffic, Jesus not coming back, and halitosis, this did occur during Clinton’s term around 1998.  However, it should be noted that Interior Inspector General Earl Devany told the Senate in a hearing that the problem was detected early in 2000, and that the Mineral Management Service’s approach was “shockingly cavalier”.  Hmmm….. (let’s all do a collective chin rub)
• $6 billion will come from a repeal of subsidies and tax breaks and conservation fees taken on oil and gas taken from the Gulf. 

All money will be funneled into a research and development fund – which Republican Congressmen refer to as a “slush fund”, though none would comment on the flavor of Slushie funded – for renewable fuels (i.e., solar, wind, ethanol, bio-diesal, and conservation incentives to the private sector). 

The tax breaks repealed comes from the 2004 tax breaks Congress passed aimed at helping U.S. manufacturers compete against imports.  This tax break was never intended for highly profitable large oil companies, but of course they took it because really, who the hell is going to argue with this:

I watched C-SPAN coverage of the House debate, and there were a few concerns brought up about the bill – some rational and others, well, you decide.

1.) Instead of taxing domestic producers (I think they used the word “punishment”  like the bill authorized a collective spanking of every CEO of Big Oil – a measure I would certainly support), why not tax foreign oil with a gasoline tax or import tax?

Technically, this is a good question to bring up, as long as you want an honest answer.  The main reason you don’t want to mess with OPEC is because legally, OPEC doesn’t have to play fair.  If they want to withhold barrells, hike the price, and make you sign over the soul of your first born, there’s nothing we can do to stop them.  We can stop trading with their countries, and they would give a shit. 

The Government can, however, regulate fair business practice.  Plus, oil companies have no incentive to fund alternative fuel sources when they make record profits off the market fluctuation. 

2.)  This bill singles out the oil industry unfairly. 

I have hired these children to play “My heart bleeds for you“. 

3.) The American Petroleum Institute argued that the funds do not favor a particular alternative fuel source.

Only the Big Oil lobby, maybe joined by Rupert Murdoch, would argue that diversity and competition isn’t good in a capitalist economy.

4.)  This bill helps Hugo Chavez, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Osama Bin Laden, Adolf Hitler, Satan, The Dark Lord Sauron, Darth Vadar, The Russian from Rocky IV, Cobra Commander, Cruella De Ville, and Jaws.

Well, that’s because Democrats hate our freedom …

         

Just hours after a press conference given by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Peter Pace, I had the privilage of speaking to my old friend, Condi, in D.C.  Below, I have included a rush transcript of our conversation.

Me:  Hi, Condi. 

Condi:  Hey, Boo.

At this point, it should be noted that former Secretary of Defense and my old drinking buddy, Donald Rumsfeld, lept out from the seats and yelled, “BOO!” like I’ve never heard that fucking joke before.  Secretary Gates stepped in swiftly.

Gates:  G-ddamnit, Donald!  Don’t you have anywhere else to be?

Rummy:  Whatcha gonna do about it, Gatesy?

Gatesy:  Stop calling me Gatesy!

Condi:  Boys, please. 

Rummy:  He started it.

Gatesy:  I did not, you retard.

Rummy:  You preemptively would’ve started it, pussy!

Respectfully, I would like to add that Condi took both men by the ears and led them off.  Mr. Gates to his office, and Rummy to whatever intervention awaited him at home.  When she returned, cool and composed as usual, we resumed like nothing ever happened.  What a pro …

Condi:  You’re not going to include that, are you?

Me:  Absolutely not.  So Condi, you mentioned in your speech about “destabilizing behavior” in the region.  For my readers, do you care to expand?

Condi:  Look, it’s like this – if anyone’s gonna destablize a region, it’s gonna be us. 

Me:  Why is America better at destabilizing a region than Iran or Syria?

Condi:  Well, first of all, I wouldn’t characterize what we’re doing in Iraq destabilizing.  I would call it … um … spreading freedom.  Because a democratic Iraq makes the world safer.  Iran and Syria are led by extremists and fundamentalists who hate us for our way of life. 

Me:  You don’t think having electricity and drinking water more than 2 to 5 hours out of the day isn’t destabilizing?

Condi:  No.  It’s a freedom challenge.  It’s like Survivor for Arabs. 

Me:  And you think that Iran is supporting Shia militias not because of loyalty to their own people but because they -

Condi:  Hate us for our freedom.  They’re extremists.  They’re fundamentalists.  They burn puppies.

Me:  I’ve never seen them burn puppies.

Condi:  We have intelligence reports that … look, if you only knew what we know. 

Me:  But you’re not going to tell me.  Or the American people.

Condi:  No. 

Me:  Ok.  So why should we believe you, especially since this administration has been wrong about so many things?

Condi:  I wouldn’t frame it as [she used air quotes here] “wrong”.  I would say that there have been some miscalculations.  All we have to do is calculate correctly.  Carry the 1’s and 0’s.  Check our math.  All of us passed algebra here, and as you know, Arabs created algebra.

Me:  What does that have to do with anything?

Condi:  Everything.  Nothing … and everything.

Me:  Well, is there anything else you would like to add?

Condi:  G-d bless America. and -

General Pace had to interrupt here, whispering something in Condi’s ear.  I’m not going to characterize her reaction as giggling per se, but she certainly looked … amused.  I took this opportunity to pose a question to General Pace.

Me:  General, if I may, do you consult with the President often?

Pace:  All the time.

Me:  What questions, do you find, does President Bush most often pose to you?

He sighed here, and I could detect a slight roll of the eye.

Pace:  Well, I mostly just relate …

Me:  What?

Pace:  That I don’t have anything to do with that kind of joint. 

Me:  Oh, I see. 

Pace:  You’re not going to publish that, are you?

Me:  Absolutely not.  You can trust me.