Every once in a while, someone in the public eye spouts something so completely off base that it borders on the ridiculous.  I respectfully chronicle those vacations of mental pragmatism in a segment I like to call CHRONICLES OF PEOPLE MISSING THE POINT. 

So I had this nightmare recently (try 10 minutes ago) where I was sitting in a room filled with 5th graders in a media class taught by my friend, Chris Matthews.  I’m not sure if he too was in the 5th grade, but really, who can tell with those pinchable cheeks of his?  I was an adult sitting at what felt like a Fisher Price school set. 

Chris, wearing a crisply pressed academic robe, wrote ferociously on the chalkboard the following question:

Why has the level of discourse in the media sunk to such shocking levels [NOTE: Instead of a question mark, he drew a picture of a middle finger.]

Like the echoes of yester-year, my right arm flew up practically dislocating itself from my shoulder.  A 9 year old Larry King laughed at me until I wiggled from my desk and drop-kicked his back pack down the aisle.  His glasses fogged he wailed so much.

Chris didn’t call on me.  Bastard.  Why don’t teachers ever call on me?

Chris:  Rita?

Anderson:  I thought Rita Cosby was in the slow class!

Chris:  Mr. Cooper, your attitude better do a 360 turn-around, my friend.

Boo:  Then he’d be back where he started.

Chris:  Rita, do you have anything you’d like to contribute to the class?

Rita:  Larry Birkhead said Dannielynn has Anna’s eyes.

She pulled a nut from her cheek, sniffed it, then ate it.

Chris:  Anyone? … Fine.  Boo, why has -

Finally my moment had arrived!  I sat up as straight as I could in my midget desk.

Boo:  You see, Mr. Matthews -

Chris:  Is my father here? 

Chris darted out the door to look down the hallway.

Chris:  Shit!  My brick of hash -

Boo:  You are Mr. Matthews, retard.

He froze, trying to recover his cool with a grin.  It didn’t work.

Boo:  Can I continue?

Chris:  Go ahead.

Boo:  You see, unlike in the days of Edward R. Murrow, news divisions have to make money.  Since money comes from advertising dollars, ratings drive the content of newscasts instead of news.  So stations have to broadcast more and more bizarre things and bullshit news stories to drive ratings and keep the ad dollars flowing. 

Chris:  Really?

Boo:  Well, yeah … That and the fact that you continue to treat people like Ann Coulter like journalists.  Elizabeth Edwards asking Ann Coulter to refrain from personally insulting people to sell books is like asking Dick Cheney to read the Constitution!  She even admitted that insulting people and writing books are the same thing to her!!  She’s fucking Andy Kaufman in drag!!!

Keith:  Worst.  Person.  In the worrrrrrrrld!

Anderson:  She said fucking!

Rita:Where’s your sense of decency?

All:  Shut up, Rita!

Chris:  Folks, can we regroup here for a second?

Chris looked so mad his cheeks were the color of Rita Cosby’s hooker lipstick. 

Chris:  It’s just … It’s just that …

Boo:  What?

Chris:  She’s ratings gold!  Gold as her beautiful, blonde hair …

Boo:  There, there. 

Suddenly we were transported back to Chris’s high school room decorated wall-to-wall with pictures of Yoko Ono.

Boo:  Really?  Yoko Ono?

Chris:  SHE HAS A BEAUTIFUL MOUTH! 

I could tell right away that between me and a two-dimensional Yoko, not many girls had set foot in this room.  My pity kicked in, and I gave Chris a little hug.  He then completely ruined the moment by trying to feel me up. 

Such as it is with my friends in the media – they paint the target and miss the point.

Congratulations.  Your certificate is in the mail. 

Every once in a while a public official spouts something so completely off base that it borders on the ridiculous.  I respectfully chronicle those vacations of mental pragmatism in a segment I like to call CHRONICLES OF PEOPLE MISSING THE POINT. 

Without missing a beat, MSNBC has filled the Don “I’m not a racist, I just talk like one” Imus show with the Cho Seung-Hui show. 

Steve Capus, President of MSNBC said of the change:

This was such a difficult decision.  It really took some soul searching.  Here, let me put this bat shit crazy ranting on continuous loop so you can see how difficult it was.

I was talking to my friend, Chris Matthews, about the decision. 

Chris:  Look at the vest on that guy!  That means he was really planning to reload.

Boo:  I think I’ve seen enough.

Chris:  It’s just so tragic.  LOOK AT HOW CRAZY HE IS!  LOOK!  AGAIN!!!

I had to leave because Tucker wouldn’t stop playing with his Asian Ken doll.

Tucker:  I’m crazy!  I’m just so CCCRRRAAAZZZZZYYYYYYYYY.  Pointing my guns at you!  Pointing my guns at you sane people.  Pow pow pow  …..

I walked out … OK, I ran, past the music guys composing cool, yet tragic synthesizer riffs for the story, into Brian Williams. 

Brian:  Whoa there, Boo.  You almost messed up my concealer.

Boo:  Sorry, Brian.  You know how I love you, Brian.

Brian:  Yeah.

Boo:  Can I ask you something?

Brian:  Only if I can answer with my cool as milk Brian Williams charm.

Boo: … OK.  Why was it that all the news stations immediately stated that what occurred wasn’t terrorism?

Brian:  Because it wasn’t.  No Arabs were involved.

Boo:  Yes, but … isn’t what Cho Seung-Hui did the very definition of terrorism?  Is the media just conditioning the American people that Arabs equal terrorism? 

Brian:  Yes … but … I need go be handsome elsewhere.

Boo:  OK then …

And there you have it.  MSNBC – hitting the target, but missing the point.   And thus, MSNBC is inducted into CHRONICLES OF PEOPLE MISSING THE POINT.

Congratulations.  Your certificate is in the mail.

OK, in the interest of full disclosure, Chris Matthews and I haven’t spoken to each other since 23 January 2006.  If you need a refresher, about a year ago, Chris compared the logic and language of Osama Bin Laden (the number one terrorist in the world, responsible for 9/11, still free to cavort in first class caves) to Michael Moore (American, filmmaker with lefty political logic [some dubious, some not], and problematic overeater).  I did – for the record – give Chris credit that he didn’t compare Michael Moore to the typical Adolf Hilter metaphor so in vogue in ‘06. 

Anyone who would suffer such a monumental loss of basic reasoning skills on the air would just apologize.  But not my old friend, Chris Matthews.  He said he was misunderstood and painted a picture of Osama Bin Laden (not to be confused with Barack Obama) as a card carrying member of the Democratic National Committee, getting “talking points” from the Democrats like he receives their newsletter. 

So I took this up with my old friend, Chris. 

Boo:  Yeah, Chris, my old friend … it couldn’t be that the other side has a different socio-political point-of-view that may hold some key insights into the logic of terrorists and the systematic hatred of the west.  It couldn’t be that the Project for a New American Century is wrong about fucking everything!!!

My old friend, Chris:  So you wanna use spitballs to defend the country??? 

And that was it.  I could no longer listen to the mad ravings of my old friend, Chris.  Tragically, it seemed that he was more of an advocating weather vane for whomever was popular at the time, rather than a “hard-hitting” journalist.   

But a new day has dawned, and I really don’t hold a grudge that long.  Chris called me to see if I would join him for lunch.  I told him that I was already scheduled to lunch with my old friend, Hillary.  He asked if he could join us, and we agreed that he could.  What transpired I thought would hold some interest for you, my readers, so I’ve provided some highlights and pictures below. 

We met at a quaint little restaurant in D.C.  Hillary was running late, giving my old friend, Chris, and I some time to catch up.

My old friend, Chris:  So … what do you think of the contenders for ‘08?

He spoke with that constant grin for which he’s so memorable.  You know the one – the modest smirk and glint in his eye as he pronunciates every syllable with that slight overbite.  I hate that freaking overbite …

Boo:  I’m still considering everyone.  You know, still doing my research, looking up voting records at primary source sites for the Senate and fact checking candidates. 

My old friend, Chris:  How do you do that?

He sprayed food on me.  I pretended it didn’t happen.

Boo:  I’ll tell you later.

He leaned in close to me like he was about to tell me the name of his sled.

My old friend, Chris:  Did you see Hillary in Iowa?

G-d I was afraid he was going to ask me that.  Do we need to discuss Iowa anymore?  So Hillary made a joke.  So Hillary is a woman.  So Hillary isn’t Bill Clinton.  So Hillary probably could beat the shit out of my old friend, Chris … what about the issues? 

Boo:  I think her position on the war -

My old friend, Chris:  Who do you think she was joking about?

Boo:   – is playing both sides against the middle -

My old friend, Chris:   But really, do you think she has some deep seeded pain about Bill?  Was it about Bill?

Boo:  I don’t care.  What about the issues?

My old friend, Chris:  And do you really think the voters will find her attractive enough to be President?  She’s definitely more attractive than Ann Coulter. 

Boo:  I don’t want to talk about it -

My old friend, Chris:  I’m asking you a question though.  Do you think -

Boo:  What does that have to do with anything?  How is that news?  How are you actually fulfilling the role of the fourth estate by being a blow-hard, high school minded retard?!?

I slammed my salad fork on the table so hard that lettuce flew all over the table.   Chris did what he always does when he’s frustrated … he stuffed his face. 

  Of course, Hillary shows up at this point in the conversation.  She has Terry McAuliffe with her, and thank G-d he didn’t bring his pom-poms to lunch this time.  Noticing the tension, Terry starts with the small talk the way only Terry can.

Terry:  ARE WE PSYCHED ABOUT HILLARY OR WHAT?!

I giggled until he started pumping his fists in the air, then I almost needed the Heimlich. 

Boo:  Hey Terry.  Hi Hillary. 

Terry:  WE ARE GOING TO CHANGE THE COURSE OF THIS COUNTRY AND IT STARTS WITH LUNCH!

Boo:  I’m just having a salad.

My old friend, Chris:  About Iowa -

Hillary:  Stop psychoanalyzing me, dough boy!

I shoved another brownie in Chris’s mouth.

Boo:  The salmon salad is superb!

Terry:  I’M SO EXCITED!

Hillary:  I will rip off your head and pump shit directly into your lungs if you don’t -

Boo:  Can you believe it’s Oscar season already?

Hillary:  I loved the Wizard of Oz as a child.  And I want to fix healthcare.

Terry:  WE ARE GONNA CHANGE THE WORLD. 

My old friend, Chris:  Do you think your hair is Presidential enough for the country?

Boo:  Her hair?  Why don’t you ask her about her panty lines as well.

My old friend, Chris:  Panty lines don’t play well with Midwestern voters.

Boo:  Are you going to ask Barack Obama about his hair or about his panty lines?

Terry:  YOU CANNOT TALK, THINK, DONATE, OR EVEN WHISPER THE NAME OF ANOTHER CANDIDATE, GOT ME?

Boo:  Back off.

My old friend, Chris:  What about pearls?  Is that too Nancy Reagan, or is that the point?  Vegas says you’re in the bag.

Hillary:  I really better be off.

Terry:  WE’RE OFF TO CHANGE THE FUTURE!

And like that, they were gone.  She didn’t even eat.  I barely touched a thing on my plate as my old friend, Chris, was wearing most of my food and his. 

I really need some new old friends … So I called my new friend, Barack.  He’s always good for tea.