On 15 November, the Democratic candidates debated each other in Las Vegas.  One issue in particular caught my attention, and that was the question posed by Wolf Blitzer when he asked, “When they clash, what is more important, human rights or national security?”  The framing of this question interests me – are these mutually exclusive goals in the 21st century?  And who set the framework for this type of conjecture? 

I think the answer to the latter is obvious as we have lived through a Presidency that would propose and carry out to limit the freedoms of its own citizens in order to provide – at least on the surface – a sense of security.  From the suspension of habeas corpus to the illegal spying of American citizens to soft media control, BushCo’s answer to the terrorist question is to become like them in order to fight them. 

Of course, the irrationality of our diminished freedoms at home stems from the fact that the great call of duty all neoconservatives assume upon their shoulders is the spread of democracy abroad.  As Bill Maher, one of the patron saints of this blog, observed:

[George Bush] is gonna spread freedom and democracy to the Iraqi people if he has to kill every last one of them to do it.

So we have the neocon’s answer to the question.  What about the Democratic candidates?

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If you needed more proof that Republicans continue to the frame debate, you need only listen to Blitzer’s assertion that “occassionally they could clash”, but also to Clinton’s and Dodd’s answer. 

Only Bill Richardson and Barack Obama maintained that the concepts are not mutually exclusive.  More importantly, I would maintain that if you tend to the issues of human rights, not only on a moral basis, but on an economic, social and political basis, it will make the United States safer. 

Samantha Power, Obama’s Foreign Policy Advisor, in her book A Problem from Hell, asserted the following:

… security for the Americans at home and abroad is contingent on international stability, and there is perhaps no greater source of havoc than a group of well-armed extremists bent on wiping out a people on ethnic, national, or religious grounds.

… the sad record of the last century shows that the walls of the United States tries to build around genocidal socities almost inevitably shatter.  States that murder and torment their own citizens target citizens elsewhere. 

~ Excerpt, page 513

We need only look to the lessons of the past – the lessons of Hilter who persecuted his own people and then moved across Europe, Saddam Hussein who tried to wipe out the Kurds and then waged war on Kuwait, and Molosevic spread his war from Slovenia to Bosnia and Kosovo – to see that leaders who will squelch the rights of their own citizens don’t necessarily play well with others, much less respect our borders. 

After all, the well-documented humanitarian crisis that existed under the Taliban reached our shores on September the 11th.  And we can see regimes today, like the government of Omar al-Bashir in Sudan, who not only mimic the Taliban in their cruelty, but also in their disrespect for the borders of their neighbors. 

We cannot build a wall around America, but we can ensure that the grievences of citizens around the world are not played out upon our national stage.  This does not mean policing the world, but it does mean that America needs to operate globally at a diplomatic intensity where the Geneva Convention is of utmost importance.  We need a President who understands that if the people of the world have their basic human rights, there will be no need to threaten our security. 

Before tonight’s Democratic Debate in Los Vegas on CNN, I wanted to sit down with my good friend, Wolf Blitzer, to get the head’s up on the event.  What I discovered was shocking – a drinking game composed by my other good friends, Anderson Cooper and Larry King.  I swiped a copy of it and reproduced it below:

• Everytime Hillary Clinton uses the word “experience”, take a sip of beer while rolling your eyes.
• Everytime Mike Gravel goes on an insane rant about his fellow candidates, slip your grandmother’s panties on and take a shot of whiskey. 
• Everytime Dennis Kucinich makes way too much sense for a political candidate – much less a leprechan - eat a bowl of Lucky Charms poured in Jim Beam. 
• Everytime Joe Biden shows his pearly whites – which is actually two big porcelein bones wrapped around his jaw – brush your teeth with your favorite vodka.
• Everytime Barack Obama uses his refreshing good looks and swagger to look like more of a human than the Hillarybot, pour Kaluha in your partners mouth and make out through the commercial break.
• Everytime Wolf asks Hillary a question, and she responds, “That’s not the question we planted for you, asshole!” – water your Chia pet with Bicardi.
• Everytime Bill Richardson lists how much more experience he has than everyone else, exclaim, “yeah, but …” and take a shot of tequila.
• Everytime Chris Dodd … oh nevermind …
• Everytime Wolf Blitzer mistakenly refers to Barack Obama as Osama Bin Laden, howl at the moon and throw your TV out the window … after all, by this point, we’re drunk enough. 

Every once in a while, someone in the public eye spouts something so completely off base that it borders on the ridiculous.  I respectfully chronicle those vacations of mental pragmatism in a segment I like to call CHRONICLES OF PEOPLE MISSING THE POINT. 

So I had this nightmare recently (try 10 minutes ago) where I was sitting in a room filled with 5th graders in a media class taught by my friend, Chris Matthews.  I’m not sure if he too was in the 5th grade, but really, who can tell with those pinchable cheeks of his?  I was an adult sitting at what felt like a Fisher Price school set. 

Chris, wearing a crisply pressed academic robe, wrote ferociously on the chalkboard the following question:

Why has the level of discourse in the media sunk to such shocking levels [NOTE: Instead of a question mark, he drew a picture of a middle finger.]

Like the echoes of yester-year, my right arm flew up practically dislocating itself from my shoulder.  A 9 year old Larry King laughed at me until I wiggled from my desk and drop-kicked his back pack down the aisle.  His glasses fogged he wailed so much.

Chris didn’t call on me.  Bastard.  Why don’t teachers ever call on me?

Chris:  Rita?

Anderson:  I thought Rita Cosby was in the slow class!

Chris:  Mr. Cooper, your attitude better do a 360 turn-around, my friend.

Boo:  Then he’d be back where he started.

Chris:  Rita, do you have anything you’d like to contribute to the class?

Rita:  Larry Birkhead said Dannielynn has Anna’s eyes.

She pulled a nut from her cheek, sniffed it, then ate it.

Chris:  Anyone? … Fine.  Boo, why has -

Finally my moment had arrived!  I sat up as straight as I could in my midget desk.

Boo:  You see, Mr. Matthews -

Chris:  Is my father here? 

Chris darted out the door to look down the hallway.

Chris:  Shit!  My brick of hash -

Boo:  You are Mr. Matthews, retard.

He froze, trying to recover his cool with a grin.  It didn’t work.

Boo:  Can I continue?

Chris:  Go ahead.

Boo:  You see, unlike in the days of Edward R. Murrow, news divisions have to make money.  Since money comes from advertising dollars, ratings drive the content of newscasts instead of news.  So stations have to broadcast more and more bizarre things and bullshit news stories to drive ratings and keep the ad dollars flowing. 

Chris:  Really?

Boo:  Well, yeah … That and the fact that you continue to treat people like Ann Coulter like journalists.  Elizabeth Edwards asking Ann Coulter to refrain from personally insulting people to sell books is like asking Dick Cheney to read the Constitution!  She even admitted that insulting people and writing books are the same thing to her!!  She’s fucking Andy Kaufman in drag!!!

Keith:  Worst.  Person.  In the worrrrrrrrld!

Anderson:  She said fucking!

Rita:Where’s your sense of decency?

All:  Shut up, Rita!

Chris:  Folks, can we regroup here for a second?

Chris looked so mad his cheeks were the color of Rita Cosby’s hooker lipstick. 

Chris:  It’s just … It’s just that …

Boo:  What?

Chris:  She’s ratings gold!  Gold as her beautiful, blonde hair …

Boo:  There, there. 

Suddenly we were transported back to Chris’s high school room decorated wall-to-wall with pictures of Yoko Ono.

Boo:  Really?  Yoko Ono?

Chris:  SHE HAS A BEAUTIFUL MOUTH! 

I could tell right away that between me and a two-dimensional Yoko, not many girls had set foot in this room.  My pity kicked in, and I gave Chris a little hug.  He then completely ruined the moment by trying to feel me up. 

Such as it is with my friends in the media – they paint the target and miss the point.

Congratulations.  Your certificate is in the mail. 

Every once in a while a public official spouts something so completely off base that it borders on the ridiculous.  I respectfully chronicle those vacations of mental pragmatism in a segment I like to call CHRONICLES OF PEOPLE MISSING THE POINT. 

Without missing a beat, MSNBC has filled the Don “I’m not a racist, I just talk like one” Imus show with the Cho Seung-Hui show. 

Steve Capus, President of MSNBC said of the change:

This was such a difficult decision.  It really took some soul searching.  Here, let me put this bat shit crazy ranting on continuous loop so you can see how difficult it was.

I was talking to my friend, Chris Matthews, about the decision. 

Chris:  Look at the vest on that guy!  That means he was really planning to reload.

Boo:  I think I’ve seen enough.

Chris:  It’s just so tragic.  LOOK AT HOW CRAZY HE IS!  LOOK!  AGAIN!!!

I had to leave because Tucker wouldn’t stop playing with his Asian Ken doll.

Tucker:  I’m crazy!  I’m just so CCCRRRAAAZZZZZYYYYYYYYY.  Pointing my guns at you!  Pointing my guns at you sane people.  Pow pow pow  …..

I walked out … OK, I ran, past the music guys composing cool, yet tragic synthesizer riffs for the story, into Brian Williams. 

Brian:  Whoa there, Boo.  You almost messed up my concealer.

Boo:  Sorry, Brian.  You know how I love you, Brian.

Brian:  Yeah.

Boo:  Can I ask you something?

Brian:  Only if I can answer with my cool as milk Brian Williams charm.

Boo: … OK.  Why was it that all the news stations immediately stated that what occurred wasn’t terrorism?

Brian:  Because it wasn’t.  No Arabs were involved.

Boo:  Yes, but … isn’t what Cho Seung-Hui did the very definition of terrorism?  Is the media just conditioning the American people that Arabs equal terrorism? 

Brian:  Yes … but … I need go be handsome elsewhere.

Boo:  OK then …

And there you have it.  MSNBC – hitting the target, but missing the point.   And thus, MSNBC is inducted into CHRONICLES OF PEOPLE MISSING THE POINT.

Congratulations.  Your certificate is in the mail.

Hi.  My name is Bob.  Just Bob.  I live in Building 18, part of Walter Reed Hospital.  I am writing on behalf of my fellow Blattodea regarding the conditions we live in.  I mean, there’s wounded Iraq War soldiers here.  Brave men and women who’ve served in war don’t make really good bed mates. 

What kind of conditions are these to raise my children??  I’m a single father trying my best with my kids.  Their mother pictured here was the victim of a prosthetic limb …

   I can’t even bare to look at it! 

Look, we need filth here in Building 18!  The 109th Congress funded the VA and hospitals like this by merely attaching some measly supplementals.  Supporting our troops simply meant saying, “I support our troops” or wearing that yellow ribbon thing.  But they didn’t actually SUPPORT THE TROOPS for crying out loud! 

Now Dana Priest from the Washington Post sticks her nose where it stinks to high heaven and exposes the cockroach mouse feces paradise that is Building 18!  Sister, ain’t you got jihadists to worry about somewhere else? 

Claire McCaskill and Barack Obama are trying to write a bill to improve conditions here.  Improve???  For whom?  Not for cockroaches, by G-d! 

I tell you … it’s hard out here for a roach.  We’re gonna have to relocate.  I hear Senator Lott’s office might be work out …

As my loyal readers know, I have lunch every week with someone in the Washington establishment.  These entries are documented here, as Lunchtime With Boo. 

After the 10 February Los Angeles Times article detailing the polite disagreements between the Pentagon and the CIA over Robert Feith’s report on the connection between Iraq and Al-Qaeda in the wake of 9/11, I thought I’d give my friends in the White House ample opportunity to give their side of the story.  Since no one seems to listen to any news unless there lies a promise of Anna Nicole coverage on the horizon, I have included some of my favorite pictures of her in memoriam. 

Below is the rushed trascript of our round table discussion with George Bush, Dick Cheney, Condoleezza Rice, Donald Rumsfeld, Paul Wolfowitz, and practical noob, Robert Feith.

We met in the White House dining room, and George had to retell the story of how Winston Churchill once roamed the halls with a bourban in one hand and a cigar between his lips, demanding fluffer nutter sandwiches.  His companions smirked, tolerating his unscripted ramblings and only marginally feigning interest.  George didn’t seem to notice.

Boo:  So, let’s talk about the recent Carl Levin report that outlined some of the intelligence failures during the lead-up to the war. 

George:  You know, B-b-boo, no one is talking about what we got right about Sadam and the war.

  Boo:  Which is what?

George:  Sadam did try to kill my daddy.

Dick kicked him under the table.

George:  … Dad.  He tried to kill my dad. 

Boo:  Right.  But there was no connection to Iraq and Al-Qaeda.  No WMD.  You’ve heard this before.  So now it’s time to clear the air.  Why did we go to war?  What was worth the loss of over 3000 soldiers?

George:  Oil.

Boo:  DID YOU JUST SAY -

Dick:  For his salad.

Boo:  What?

Dick:  He wants olive oil for his salad.  As the President, he has a responsibility to stay heart healthy and be a positive example for the nation.

I started to notice that everytime Dick referred to George as “President”, he giggled. 

Boo:  But he doesn’t have a salad.

Rummy:  He’s pre-emptively ordering oil for his salad.  From, from Tikrit.

Boo:  There’s no olive oil made in Tikrit.

Rummy almost got out the next line with a straight face.

Rummy:  There’s no WMD there either.

Boo:  OK, back to the business at hand.  Robert, you have said in your defense that you have done nothing wrong, and that the orders came from Donald and Paul to further explore the possibility between Iraq and Al-Qaeda. 

Robert:  That is correct.  I was checking the work of the CIA.

Boo:  As a civilian, is it appropriate to oversee the intelligence community?

Rummy:  Oh, that’s what Gatesy said.  What a pussy that guy is!

Condi:  There’s really no need to name call!

Rummy made kissing noises at Condi, who, I have it on good authority, is not screwing Robert Gates.

Boo:  So Condi, allow me to follow up on a conversation we were having the other day about memos you have received about this intelligence report.

Condi:  I received them in 2003.  They were really no big deal.

Boo:  Who were they from?

Condi:  Everyone.

Boo:  Everyone?

Condi:  Yes.

Boo:  From where?

Condi:  The CIA.

Boo:  And what did they say?

Condi:  They were all conjecture, really.

Boo:  What was the title of the emails?

Condi:  I believe they were titled something like, “Iraq and Al-Qaeda Have No Fucking Connection, You Morons.”  But I don’t have my computer in front of me.

I could tell as our conversation went on, George got bored.  As I was questioning Condi, he started tapping his cheek to make water droplet sounds.  I never knew how boys did that …

Boo:  So Paul, what did you think of the report once you received it?

Paul:  I thought it was great.

Boo:  What about it was great?

Paul:  It was very thorough. 

Abruptly, Dick addressed me.

Dick:  Is that all?

Boo:  No. 

Dick:  I think you’ve stepped over the line.

Boo:  I haven’t even asked you anything yet.

Dick:  Well, that’s my answer.  I love my lesbian daughter.

George:  Ewe!

Boo:  I wasn’t even going to bring her up …

Dick:  Things are going great in Iraq.

Boo:  No, they aren’t.

Dick:  Who asked you?

Boo:  I’m asking you.  How can you confront the truth so dismissively?

Dick:  Because I’m the Vice President.    Boo:  Is that your answer? 

Dick:  Does there need to be any other?

He smiled that shit-eating grin that I just want to smack.  I smiled back to keep myself from kicking him in the balls.

Boo:  Well, last question for everyone – what’s next?

George:  Iran.

Boo:  Iran??

Then I swear to G-d, Dick, Condi, and Rummy started singing.

Dick/Condi/Rummy:  I ran so far away.  I just ra-a-an, I ran all night and da-a-ay.

Robert:  I couldn’t get away …

Paul did air keyboard, humming that oh so familiar synth chord.

Boo:  Are you singing the Flock of Seagulls song?

Paul:  It’s the President’s favorite.

George giggled again.

Boo:  “I Ran” by A Flock of Seagulls is George’s favorite song?

Dick:  You bet.  But you’re not going to write that.

Boo:  Oh yes, I am.

Dick:  No, you’re not.  Who do you think you are?

Boo:  I’m the blogger, bitch.

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If you’re not mad as hell, you’re not paying attention.

An astronaut, that’s right an ASTRONAUT (as in America’s weightless heroes … as in “One small step for man; one giant leap for mankind … as in Jack Nicholson in the tear-jerker Terms of Endearment) possibly maybe attempted murder or kidnapping or some good old fashioned bitch-slapping over a boyfriend or something.  Who knows – BUT IT’S HAPPENING NOW.  IT’S BREAKING NEWS.  IT’S A DEVELOPING STORY. 

The legal analysts are having wet dreams as we speak.  You could practically swim in Nancy Grace’s panties.  There are hearings; there are bonds being set … oh OH OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I rarely climax during legal proceedings unless I’m dreaming about impeachment.  As CNN is “reporting”, in real fucking time by the way, this case is unprecedented.  And it has absolutely nothing to do with anything. 

Has the Senate made up?  Is there peace in the Middle East?  Did we solve that pesky genocide in Darfur?  Who cares? 

AN ASTRONAUT WAS ARRESTED.  SHE’S CUTE.  IT’S A LOVE TRIANGLE. 

IT’S JUST SO OFF-TOPIC … thanks fourth estate!