I have to be honest, I don’t usually have lunch with the co-hosts of The View unless it’s for my usual Krav Manga sparring session with Barbara Walters. And yes, it is infinite fun to hear Bab’s proclaim, “It’s time to wustle in the gween woom!” Today, however, was different because my good friend, Laura Ingraham (pronounced Lauwa Ingwaham) was the special co-host, and as promised, the Hot Topics were about as hot as Tipper Gore’s panties when Al talks about global warming.
During the heated discussion, my friend Laura made the assertion that “We have right now in Iraq really good news coming out of Baghdad … You can say with your narrative that we’re big losers.”
When questioned by Barbara, Ingraham retorted: “Do you want a change, Barbara (pronouned with the ‘r’)? Do you want to win?”
No feathers flew. Even Whoopi’s dreads remained perfectly in place, but I still wanted to check in with my girl after the show to hear some reactions. A rushed transcript is below.
Boo: So Laura, it’s been a long time.
Boo: I told you I didn’t want to talk about that.
Boo: Jealous bitch.
Laura: G-d, I love you.
Boo: Laura, can we please get on with the discussion?
Laura: Yes. Be gentle with me.
I rolled my eyes just wide enough to see Joy Behar moon me from the hallway. Jesus that woman has a nice set of buns.
Boo: So, Laura, you mentioned on the show that good news is coming out of Iraq right now. You thereby implied that criticizing the situation created a loser mentality. Would you like to comment further on that?
Laura: Well, we need to honor our troops this Veteran’s Day by talking about what they’re doing right as opposed to focusing on what’s going wrong.
Boo: But isn’t that just a manipulative ploy to draw attention away from the fact that we’re criticizing and questioning the policy and the plan, not the soldiers carrying out that policy and that plan?
Boo: Did you just say yes?
Laura: Read my lips.
She then took her tongue and licked in a counter-clockwise motion around her mouth. I swallowed the little trickle of vomit that collected in mine.
Laura: Well, that’s the left for you. Always parading the victim.
Boo: But this is the soldiers.
Laura: They should support the troops and not kill themselves.
Boo: But more soldiers have died this year, 854 to be exact, than any year of the war.
Laura: Whatever. Things are awesome in Iraq. I would totally take up pottery classes there.
Laura: Corruption is being taken care of by our forces.
Boo: But that’s a political issue. It’s a diplomatic issue, not a military issue. Stuart Bowen, the Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction equated corruption to a “second insurgency”.
Laura: Why don’t we talk about the pornification of American culture. Don’t you and Ann have a DVD?
Boo: I don’t think so.
Laura leans over to me and whispers huskily:
Laura: I wouldn’t call that porn, sweetie. That’s an education video.
Then she uncrossed and recrossed her legs vis a vis Basic Instinct. She wore White House issued Cheney undies. It was pretty hairy … pardon the pun.
Boo: The February 2007 National Intelligence Estimate said, and I quote:
Nevertheless, even if violence is diminished, given the current winner-take-all attitude and sectarian animosities infecting the political scene, Iraqi leaders will be hard pressed to achieve sustained political reconcilliation in the time frame of this Estimate.
Boo (cont): Do you want to comment on that?
Laura: I don’t comment on facts. I comment on narratives.
Boo: Alrighty then. What about asking Barbara if she wanted to win in Iraq? Do you think that maybe we need to alter our language on that front?
Laura: That depends on if you want to win in Iraq.
Boo: Do you think we can win a civil war?
Laura: We did the first time.
Boo: Are you referencing the American Civil War?
Laura: Um, yeah!
She flipped her hair so hard I thought her bobble-head was going to fly off her shoulders.
Boo: How does that make any rational sense?
Laura: I’m a neocon apologist, CitizenBoo. I don’t need to make rational sense.
At that, she got up and gathered her things. On her way out, she looked over her shoulder and did the “call me” hand signal to me. Although tempted, I have to pass. After all, Michelle Malkin might get jealous.