My Conversation with Condoleezza Rice
Just hours after a press conference given by Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice, Defense Secretary Robert Gates, and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff General Peter Pace, I had the privilage of speaking to my old friend, Condi, in D.C. Below, I have included a rush transcript of our conversation.
Me: Hi, Condi.
Condi: Hey, Boo.
At this point, it should be noted that former Secretary of Defense and my old drinking buddy, Donald Rumsfeld, lept out from the seats and yelled, “BOO!” like I’ve never heard that fucking joke before. Secretary Gates stepped in swiftly.
Gates: G-ddamnit, Donald! Don’t you have anywhere else to be?
Rummy: Whatcha gonna do about it, Gatesy?
Gatesy: Stop calling me Gatesy!
Condi: Boys, please.
Rummy: He started it.
Gatesy: I did not, you retard.
Rummy: You preemptively would’ve started it, pussy!
Respectfully, I would like to add that Condi took both men by the ears and led them off. Mr. Gates to his office, and Rummy to whatever intervention awaited him at home. When she returned, cool and composed as usual, we resumed like nothing ever happened. What a pro …
Condi: You’re not going to include that, are you?
Me: Absolutely not. So Condi, you mentioned in your speech about “destabilizing behavior” in the region. For my readers, do you care to expand?
Condi: Look, it’s like this – if anyone’s gonna destablize a region, it’s gonna be us.
Me: Why is America better at destabilizing a region than Iran or Syria?
Condi: Well, first of all, I wouldn’t characterize what we’re doing in Iraq destabilizing. I would call it … um … spreading freedom. Because a democratic Iraq makes the world safer. Iran and Syria are led by extremists and fundamentalists who hate us for our way of life.
Me: You don’t think having electricity and drinking water more than 2 to 5 hours out of the day isn’t destabilizing?
Condi: No. It’s a freedom challenge. It’s like Survivor for Arabs.
Me: And you think that Iran is supporting Shia militias not because of loyalty to their own people but because they -
Condi: Hate us for our freedom. They’re extremists. They’re fundamentalists. They burn puppies.
Me: I’ve never seen them burn puppies.
Condi: We have intelligence reports that … look, if you only knew what we know.
Me: But you’re not going to tell me. Or the American people.
Condi: No.
Me: Ok. So why should we believe you, especially since this administration has been wrong about so many things?
Condi: I wouldn’t frame it as [she used air quotes here] “wrong”. I would say that there have been some miscalculations. All we have to do is calculate correctly. Carry the 1’s and 0’s. Check our math. All of us passed algebra here, and as you know, Arabs created algebra.
Me: What does that have to do with anything?
Condi: Everything. Nothing … and everything.
Me: Well, is there anything else you would like to add?
Condi: G-d bless America. and -
General Pace had to interrupt here, whispering something in Condi’s ear. I’m not going to characterize her reaction as giggling per se, but she certainly looked … amused. I took this opportunity to pose a question to General Pace.
Me: General, if I may, do you consult with the President often?
Pace: All the time.
Me: What questions, do you find, does President Bush most often pose to you?
He sighed here, and I could detect a slight roll of the eye.
Pace: Well, I mostly just relate …
Me: What?
Pace: That I don’t have anything to do with that kind of joint.
Me: Oh, I see.
Pace: You’re not going to publish that, are you?
Me: Absolutely not. You can trust me.