As you know, I love to focus on the language and rhetoric of the political theatre with this blog. Some of my Capital Hill insiders have provided me with this dictionary excerpt that I thought blew the lid off some of the statements made by our leaders in recent weeks. Please keep in mind, the information provided below fell into my hands through an anonymous source, and – for the record – I have nothing to do with its content.
So I offer to you what I’d like to call a Translation Generator. And as we lead with this into the weekend, please, if you have some insider friends with samples of this dictionary in their possession, I’d love for you to add to it.
Democrat i.e., Democrat Majority
Usage: Use in replace of the proper term “Democratic” without looking like too much of an asshole for losing the Majority. The perk of this phrase stems from the fact that when someone, usually more intelligent than you, calls you out for using it, you Scooter Libby out of it by simply saying, “Oops! I totally forgot the ‘ic’ at the end. Human error … my bad!”
Usage: As a key phrase required during all Republican campaigns and various Senate speeches, this refers to the 1950s view of how a family should look. It is the Government rearing its ugly head in your bedroom without explicitly having to talk about icky sexual positions (leave that to the Evangelicals). Family values, as with “sanctity of marriage”, signifies how much Republicans hate gay people, but don’t have the balls to go Third Reich on their asses … yet.
Family Values is incredibly important to conservative voters, unless you’re the Cheney’s.
The Far Left
Usage: A favorite of Cultural Warrior, Bill “Pass My Nitroglycerin Before I Explode” O’Reilly, the “Far Left” signifies everyone who disagrees with his extreme, right-wing views. Like washing your opponent in the cool waters of a Satanic Plague, calling someone “far left” demonizes them and gives you the upper hand without ever having to make an intelligent point.
Usage: Better just to not mention this one … It is, however, of utmost importance to give the appearance of loving black people. Hug a black baby – if it’s a poor, black baby, even better.
Hurts Small Business
Usage: Especially combined with the term “minimum wage hike”, the catchphrase sidetracks listeners to the fact that you believe business is more important than people, especially families, and especially families who work full-time jobs and still live beneath the poverty line. That’s what tax breaks are for, people!
If you want to look back, that’s fine, but I’m trying to look forward. [Sen. John McCain, Armed Services Committee, 24 January 2007]
Usage: (a). In cases of possible accountability (b). When one’s candidacy for the president of the United States is contingent upon a continuing war in the Middle East. (c). To avoid looking like a pussy in front of Senator Levin.
In order to deflect culpability, use this clause to give the impression that you mean business, want to problem solve, and anticipate using the same fucking assholes in your campaign that got the U.S. into the Iraq War in the first place. It’s the proverbial wave of the shiny keys to sidetrack anyone who presumes to want real answers.
[Note when using this phrase: Choose what history is worth remembering wisely (i.e., Sadam gassed his own people = good use of history; Sadam gassed his people in 1988 = too specific use of history).]
“I’m the Decision Maker” [President Bush during a press conference, 25 January 2007]
Usage: Cross-referenced with “I’m the Decider” (a term affectionately retired because it connoted “I’m a retard”, a leader declares that he/she is the Decision Maker when faced with Congressional oversight. When engaging in bullshit political activity that borders on treason, i.e., the Iraq War, making a regal proclamation that undercuts the very essence of our democracy and any sense of checks and balances, shocks the other side so utterly that by the time they have a chance to ask, “the hell?!?”, you’ll already be knocking the proverbial ball out of the park.
Impeachment would hurt the country
Usage: See also – “If you want to look back, that’s fine, but I’m trying to look forward“. When faced with paying for how you fucked up the country, deflect admonishment to the other side of the aisle using a blame tactic even a Jewish mother wouldn’t use. Since only the Republicans are allowed to impeach for promiscuity, impeachment for lying about getting into a war that has cost the lives of 3,000 American servicemen and women cannot be considered. This is the political version of I’m rubber, and you’re glue. What you say bounces off me and sticks to you, though this version is more … dickish.
Iraq War and 9/11
Usage: The usage of this tagline is obvious, and in fact, the meaning doesn’t matter. Just keep repeating it over and over and over and over …
Is the country ready for a …
Usage: When journalists talk about Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama, in order to avoid doing any real journalism such as covering their voting record, vision for the future, or policy considerations, keep conditioning the public with this question in order to make them ask “hey … is the country ready for a black president?? After all, we did elect retarded cowboy …”
Usage: The term “pro-life” is an excellent way to convince people that you are really more than just pro-birth. Since we do not care what happens after the actual birth of a child, and can’t wait to put those little bastards in the electric chair Texas style as soon as we can, we use a benign and friendly term that signifies otherwise.
What would the terrorists think?
Usage: A favorite phrase of White House Press Secretary and Patron Saint of the Rhetorical Run-Around, Tony Snow, use this question to counteract the seemingly pragmatic solution offered to a total cluster fuck. An example would read as follows:
Journalist: How does the White House respond to the charge that our soldiers are currently just policing a Civil War, and sending more troops is not only not a new strategy, but it would actually exacerbate the situation?
Saint Tony: Well, what we have to think about is what would the terrorists think if we just leave now?
Like glaring a penetrating light on something that sounds good but is total tauri excretio, asking how your sworn enemy might react to common sense makes common sense sound like extremism. Thus, the overall effectiveness of the tauri excretio you’re spouting increases ten-fold.