It was a good thing I was trying on a new pair of astronaut diapers when the White House called to invite me to dine with George again. Surely, most citizens – no matter what political persuasion – would relish the opportunity to have lunch at the White House. I, on the other hand, would rather eat lunch with real learning disabled people than spend one more hour watching Karl cut the crust off George’s bread.
… but I went anyway …
When I stepped into the President’s private office, he was hunched over his true-to-scale model of the Titanic. Truly the model is a work of art … or it would be if G.I. Joe figurines were not staging combat in the dining hall of the ship. I stood there, after being announced, for 5 minutes while George kept rearranging the fucking benches on the deck of the ship.
Finally, I had had about enough.
Boo: George. George … George!
Curiously, he covered his head and ducked like I was about to clock him.
George: Wha???
Boo: George, it’s me … Boo. We have a lunch appointment, remember?
George: No one’s eatin’ ’til I git this right, ya’ll.
Boo: You don’t have to do the Texan twang, we’re not on camera.
George: Don’t mess with Texas!
Boo: I know you’re from Connecticut, remember?
George: Oh, right. What do you think about these benches here?
My stomach growled so loudly it sounded like Barney took a freedom poop on the carpet.
Boo: What is that mark on the Titanic’s deck?
George: Ah shit! Benchmarks! I fucking hate those damned things! I just repainted that deck because of the scratch left by the time tables.
Boo: The what tables?
George: The t-y-m-e tables, Boo! Nothing good ever came from a time table -
Boo: Did you just spell ‘time’ with a ‘y’?
Karl: The President and former Vice President Quayle do flashcards together.
I nearly jumped out of my skin. I hate it when Karl sneaks up on me like that … it’s like he travels in the dark shadows empowered by an underworld of ghostly demons***.
Boo: How many times have I asked you not to sneak up on me?
Karl: And who the hell are you to tell me what to do?!?
Boo: Well, technically, Karl, I’m your boss as I am a citizen of this country!
Karl: I work for the American people!
Boo: Yes, we went over that, remember?
Karl: Oh, yeah … How’s the benches coming along, George?
Boo: I’m not sure why you’re rearranging the deck furniture over and over. It is the Titanic after all. It’s a little ironic …
George: What’s irony?
I looked over at Karl who’s bloated face was also surprisingly blank.
Boo: Never mind. How about we -
Suddenly, Harry Reid busted in holding his spectacles in his hand. Tripping over the ficus tree near the door, Harry tripped right into Karl’s arms.
Harry: Oh, I …
Karl: … You need to watch yourself there, Harry.
The moment was about as awkward as when I walked in on Trent Lott tea-bagging Strom Thurman under the guise of the old man’s diaper change.
Harry: I think I have your glasses, and you have mine.
Karl: Oh, that’s what’s messed up my perspective all day.
Boo: I don’t think that’s quite it, but …
They switched glasses, readjusted their eyes, and smiled at each other sweetly. Regaining his senses, Harry gathered his things, and rushed to the door, dropping something by the couch.
Boo: Oh, Harry, you dropped this.
Harry: What is it?
Boo: I think it’s your pussy … you’ll definitely need that for the Senate!
Harry: I sure will!
He left in a flash.
Boo: So can we talk about something of substance now?
George: Like what?
Boo: Like the fact that you vetoed the stem cell bill today?
George: Well, of course I vetoed that bill! Number one, I got to use my new Transformers pen … the Autobots wage their battle to destroy the evil forces of the abortionists! [Yes, he sang it.] Number two, it’s immoral.
Boo: Isn’t it just as immoral to slow the progress of a science that could help to treat and possibly cure people living with deadly diseases?
George looked like a deer in headlights. He turned to Karl.
George: Karl? …
Karl: Once you’re born, we don’t really give a shit.
Boo: OK … what about the fact that most of the embryos in question will be destroyed anyway? Isn’t the rational view to -
Karl: We don’t use the “r” word here, missy.
Boo: So you don’t care about the diseases that could be treated -
George: Oh yeah, like what diseases, missy??
I hate it when they call me missy.
Boo: Well, maybe they would’ve come up with a vaccine for retards and the people who vote for them.
Karl: There’s no such thing.
Boo: Yeah … tell me about it.
***Actually, just one demon – Dick Cheney [who is NOT a reptoid, and he gets really pissed when people get them mixed up, btw] … ***
