Before tonight’s Democratic Debate in Los Vegas on CNN, I wanted to sit down with my good friend, Wolf Blitzer, to get the head’s up on the event.  What I discovered was shocking – a drinking game composed by my other good friends, Anderson Cooper and Larry King.  I swiped a copy of it and reproduced it below:

• Everytime Hillary Clinton uses the word “experience”, take a sip of beer while rolling your eyes.
• Everytime Mike Gravel goes on an insane rant about his fellow candidates, slip your grandmother’s panties on and take a shot of whiskey. 
• Everytime Dennis Kucinich makes way too much sense for a political candidate – much less a leprechan - eat a bowl of Lucky Charms poured in Jim Beam. 
• Everytime Joe Biden shows his pearly whites – which is actually two big porcelein bones wrapped around his jaw – brush your teeth with your favorite vodka.
• Everytime Barack Obama uses his refreshing good looks and swagger to look like more of a human than the Hillarybot, pour Kaluha in your partners mouth and make out through the commercial break.
• Everytime Wolf asks Hillary a question, and she responds, “That’s not the question we planted for you, asshole!” – water your Chia pet with Bicardi.
• Everytime Bill Richardson lists how much more experience he has than everyone else, exclaim, “yeah, but …” and take a shot of tequila.
• Everytime Chris Dodd … oh nevermind …
• Everytime Wolf Blitzer mistakenly refers to Barack Obama as Osama Bin Laden, howl at the moon and throw your TV out the window … after all, by this point, we’re drunk enough. 

To prove that I’m not really a middle-aged bald dude with a beer belly, I will be a guest on tonight’s Outside Voice show with host Chey Bell at 7pm PST.  Go to www.nowlive.com to participate and live chat with the crew! 

Tonight, Chey will be talking about a variety of topics, including my love affair spat with Jeff Gannon, racially sensitive language in the movies, and plastic surgery.  {Can someone please tell me why it’s called plastic surgery if it’s performed on humans??} 

Sadly, there is no mud-wrestling, but there will be lots and lots of heated discussion … which turns you on more?? 

Join the revolution and the voice tonight!

 So it seems I tousled the feathers – but NOT the salad – of Mr. Jeff Gannon with my most recent blog about Hillary Clinton planting questions on the campaign trail. 

Mr. Gannon left me a nugget in the comment section:

Stop your lies. I never asked any questions remotely resembling the example you cite. In fact, in my recently published book, “The Great Media War: A Battlefield Report” I destroy the myth of a softball tosser with actual transcripts that show many of my questions were rather unfriendly to the White House.

Pick up a copy and get educated: www.thegreatmediawar.com

Cheers!

As you know, I love to respond to as many comments as I can:

Dearest Jeff,
If I didn’t watch C-SPAN or the White House Press Briefing, I would believe you. You know those little square things on sticks? Those are cameras, and they record the questions you ask.

Also, I might remind you that this is satire to make a point. And to that end, let me say you look fabulous in a speedo

Thanks for stopping by~

Oh, Jeff … I’m sure you asked many hard-hitting, penetrating questions.  You probed the inner depths of White House inconsistencies with vim and vigor.  Come back to us, Jeff.  For the love of G-d … come back. 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsf0oaSdkyw]

Don’t you miss the simple days of Jeff Gannon asking softball questions like:

Why do Democrats hate our troops and this country so much? 

We on the Left condemned the practice because planting questions is for neo-cons – it is a veiled practice that calls into question not only the honesty, but the integrity of a politician positioning themselves in a Town Hall Meeting … It’s something a candidate or a President does when they don’t want to face the right of private citizens or journalists to ask valid questions.  And yet, the liberal blogs and commenters are condemning this as “distraction”. 

Why are we apologizing for her??? Why is it wrong when Bush does it, but not when Hillary does it? Arguing that Bush does it worse is no rational argument. It’s just apologist loser mentality.

Remember, for every planted question in a town hall meeting, there is a concerned citizen who won’t get to practice their right to question a future president.

That’s the complete antithesis of Democracy.

Are we so numb as citizens in a “free” country that this has become OK?  Have we been so abused by the current administration that we should take this type of behavior from someone who promises change?  Should we not demand more?  Should we not demand free and open dialogue to prevent another BushCo in the White House? 

I will not vote for Hillary.  She lost any chance of getting my vote when she cowardly voted for the Iraq War on a rushed National Intelligence Estimate transparent with holes and problems.  If you do not have the strength of character and reasoning to cast an unpopular – yet legitimate – vote against a bullshit war, why the hell do you think you have the consummate skills and strength to be President? 

We deserve more as citizens.  We deserve a free and open exchange of ideas from our candidates.  We deserve to question openly and deserve to be answered honestly. 

Hillary doesn’t want to do that. 

We deserve more than that.

I have to be honest, I don’t usually have lunch with the co-hosts of The View unless it’s for my usual Krav Manga sparring session with Barbara Walters.  And yes, it is infinite fun to hear Bab’s proclaim, “It’s time to wustle in the gween woom!”  Today, however, was different because my good friend, Laura Ingraham (pronounced Lauwa Ingwaham) was the special co-host, and as promised, the Hot Topics were about as hot as Tipper Gore’s panties when Al talks about global warming. 

During the heated discussion, my friend Laura made the assertion that “We have right now in Iraq really good news coming out of Baghdad … You can say with your narrative that we’re big losers.”

When questioned by Barbara, Ingraham retorted: “Do you want a change, Barbara (pronouned with the ‘r’)?  Do you want to win?”

No feathers flew.  Even Whoopi’s dreads remained perfectly in place, but I still wanted to check in with my girl after the show to hear some reactions.  A rushed transcript is below.

Boo:  So Laura, it’s been a long time.

Laura:  Yeah.  Not since I discovered you and Ann Coulter making out in the broom closet of PNAC. 

Boo:  I told you I didn’t want to talk about that.

Laura:  Whore.

Boo:  Jealous bitch. 

Laura:  G-d, I love you. 

Boo:  Laura, can we please get on with the discussion?

Laura:  Yes.  Be gentle with me. 

I rolled my eyes just wide enough to see Joy Behar moon me from the hallway.  Jesus that woman has a nice set of buns.

Boo:  So, Laura, you mentioned on the show that good news is coming out of Iraq right now.  You thereby implied that criticizing the situation created a loser mentality.  Would you like to comment further on that?

Laura:  Well, we need to honor our troops this Veteran’s Day by talking about what they’re doing right as opposed to focusing on what’s going wrong. 

Boo:  But isn’t that just a manipulative ploy to draw attention away from the fact that we’re criticizing and questioning the policy and the plan, not the soldiers carrying out that policy and that plan?

Laura:  Yes.

Boo:  Did you just say yes?

Laura:  Read my lips.

She then took her tongue and licked in a counter-clockwise motion around her mouth.  I swallowed the little trickle of vomit that collected in mine.

Boo:  Then why are Iraq veterans coming home and committing suicide in record numbers if everything is so dandy?

Laura:  Well, that’s the left for you.  Always parading the victim.

Boo:  But this is the soldiers.

Laura:  They should support the troops and not kill themselves. 

Boo:  But more soldiers have died this year, 854 to be exact, than any year of the war.

Laura:  Whatever.  Things are awesome in Iraq.  I would totally take up pottery classes there.

Boo:  So you don’t want to acknowledge that corruption is a huge problem in Iraq?

Laura:  Corruption is being taken care of by our forces.

Boo:  But that’s a political issue.  It’s a diplomatic issue, not a military issue.  Stuart Bowen, the Special Inspector General for Iraq Reconstruction equated corruption to a “second insurgency”. 

Laura:  Why don’t we talk about the pornification of American culture.  Don’t you and Ann have a DVD?

Boo:  I don’t think so. 

Laura leans over to me and whispers huskily:

Laura:  I wouldn’t call that porn, sweetie.  That’s an education video. 

Then she uncrossed and recrossed her legs vis a vis Basic Instinct.  She wore White House issued Cheney undies.  It was pretty hairy … pardon the pun. 

Boo:  The February 2007 National Intelligence Estimate said, and I quote:

Nevertheless, even if violence is diminished, given the current winner-take-all attitude and sectarian animosities infecting the political scene, Iraqi leaders will be hard pressed to achieve sustained political reconcilliation in the time frame of this Estimate.

Boo (cont):  Do you want to comment on that?

Laura:  I don’t comment on facts.  I comment on narratives. 

Boo:  Alrighty then.  What about asking Barbara if she wanted to win in Iraq?  Do you think that maybe we need to alter our language on that front? 

Laura:  That depends on if you want to win in Iraq.   

Boo:  Do you think we can win a civil war?

Laura:  We did the first time.

Boo:  Are you referencing the American Civil War?

Laura:  Um, yeah!

She flipped her hair so hard I thought her bobble-head was going to fly off her shoulders.

Boo:  How does that make any rational sense?

Laura:  I’m a neocon apologist, CitizenBoo.  I don’t need to make rational sense.

At that, she got up and gathered her things.  On her way out, she looked over her shoulder and did the “call me” hand signal to me.  Although tempted, I have to pass.  After all, Michelle Malkin might get jealous. 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65lk-1JqxFA]

When I think of the atrocities in Darfur, a quote from the recent Ken Burns documentary, The War, comes to mind:

“G-d help us.  You come Yourself.  Don’t send Jesus … this is no place for children.”

~Episode 3 – Sergeant at the battle of Anzio

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWZT_izTmJc]

Can someone please pass Democrats the memo that holding Cheney and the war mongers responsible for the war will – hold your breathe for the shock! – get us out of the war!

Don’t get me wrong, I love Barbara.  I love her in a Dustin Hoffman Graduate sort of way, but this perpetual rhetorical dichotomy being framed by the Democrats illustrates the problem we’re in – namely that the Dem’s are trapped in a Rovian dialectic.

So let’s do the math:

Blowjob on Clinton + Reckless Republican Witch Hunt Spending = Total Waste of Tax Dollars for Impeachment Proceedings. 

However, when you’re holding someone accountable for something, let’s say, like a war that never should have been fought, those mathematics are inversely proportional.  For you on the right, it means that it’s worth it. 

So while I appreciate Bab’s, we’ll have to etch the scoreboard for now that she hit the target but missed the point.

Congratulations … your certificate is in the mail. 

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=orxz2mPfB4U]

Pat Robertson, sauntering up to the microphone like he’d just raced Jesus in the 40 meter dash, endorsed Rudy Giuliani on the credentials that all Giuliani supporters endorse him for: the photo-op. 

As pictured above, we see the two probable Presidential Candidates for the November 2008 election.  On the right, we see the poorly coiffed Hillary Clinton, sans any New York Fire or Police Department of New York paraphernalia, her plastic face reflecting the closest thing to concern it can muster after her advisers told her it would win votes.  Who the fuck does she think she is??? 

Ah, but there in the middle of it all (the picture, that is) stands a strong and proud Rudy.  Mask?  He don’t need no stinkin’ mask.  He’ll breathe the same fumes as the 9/11 Rescuers.  Why??  Well, because he’s rich and can afford health insurance but still!  And he’s got the FDNY hat, jacket, belt buckle, and limited-time-only insignia’ed tighty whities to remind him what’s important in the wake of the attacks – perception. 

I sat down with Pat and Rudy after the press conference to find out why Jesus feeds Pat so much bullshit. 

Boo:  Thanks for sitting down with me.

Pat:  Amen to that, sister.

Rudy:  That’s right.  9/11.

Boo:  What?

Rudy:  I end every sentence with 9/11 now to remind us of the threat we face. 

Boo:  How’s that working for you?

Rudy:  I’ll let you know November of 2008. 

Boo:  So, Pat, do you think the media will interpret this endorsement as desperate?  I mean, Rudy was one of the most liberal Republicans ever.

Pat:  Jesus communicated with me the importance of the puppet, er, I mean, pulpit the next President will have when facing Islamofascism.  Rudy is America’s Mayor.

Rudy:  And according to Matthew 9/11 …

Boo:  Wait, I’m gonna have to stop you there …

Before I knew it, Rudy waterboarded me.  I think that was the end of the interview, but damned if I didn’t confess to being in the New York mafia …